IDENTITY THEFT

IDENTITY THEFT

To start with, when you are an Italian boy from New Jersey, the concept of theft is not foreign to you. In my life, I have witnessed and been the victim of many types of theft. I hate to admit it, but when I was a kid I actually stole a pack of baseball cards from a small store. Of course when my dad found out the same day, I was back in the store with a full apology, the money for the cards, and a very sore backside. I learned a painful lesson early on.. “crime doesn’t pay”

In general, theft seems more rampant today, then it did when I was a kid. Back then it seemed real theft or, grand theft, was reserved for the pros, the mob, and the gangs. Today, theft is rampant in all socio-economic sectors of our society. Some do it for the money, some for the thrill, and some to pay for drugs. (some do it for a living..even in politics) Anyway you look at it theft is wrong. It unjustly deprives someone of their rightful belongings.

There is petty theft, industrial theft, car theft, grand theft, home invasion, auto theft(over 1 million), and countless other injustices. One of the most common forms of theft today is identity theft (just look up theft in google and see what comes up). Authorities are calling it an epidemic, effecting over 10 million people a year, and the fastest growing crime in the country. It is white collar theft, for people who don’t want to break into houses, banks, and cars at night. There are even commercials on T.V., from companies whose sole business is protecting your identity. I guess you can never be too careful. I have locks on all my doors, an alarm system, I park my car in the garage, bought two Dobermans, and wear one of those steel chain deals on my wallet, and now… I have to worry about my identity being stolen ? Give me a break, What’s next?

Credit car theft seems to be one of the biggest targets in the identity theft game. I know its getting bad because every time I go to use my credit card they have to call the credit card company to grill me on the phone. Even my own mom makes me answer her three security questions before she will talk to me on the phone.

Wow…with everything I have to worry about, now I have to protect my identity. I’m not even sure why anyone would want to be me. That’s all I need right now, is a posse of counterfeit Poor Italian Boys out there. (pretenders..and wanta be P.I.B.’s) And why, its not very glamorous to be me. There are days where I’m not even sure I want to be me. I mean you would think they would want to steal the identity of some rich movie star.. Stealing my identity is like stealing a Volkswagon. I would think any decent criminal would want to steal an important guy’s identity. (so much for taste) Yet the guy on T.V. says to protect my identity, so I better take heed.

I’m no fool, now that I’ve been warned about this whole identity theft thing, I’ve taken some immediate precautions to make sure I don’t fall victim to it. For starters, I went out and bought a long hair wig, along with a pair of those fake glasses with the plastic nose attached. Next I decided to change my name from P.I.B. (Poor Italian Boy)..to P.I.B. (Poor Iraqi Boy)..that should throw those would be thieves a curve ball. To really throw them off their game…I’m thinking about using a fake British accent on the phone, so that the “evildoers” won’t be able to know its me..when they “ring me up on the tele”. I’ve even snapped one of those bullet proof master locks on my trash cans and mail box to make sure I’m not the victim of prying eyes and dumpster diving (ps…if you do this, remember to give the garbage man and mailman a key…I haven’t had any mail or garbage pick up in a month).

I’m also told I have to be careful when I’m using my computer on the internet. Savvy would be computer thieves are “phishing” to criminally acquire my sensitive information. If I catch them I will stick my “phsoot where the phsun don’t phsine ”.They will send you an official looking e-mail or form asking you for security purposes to verify your bank account or social security number.

I’m also wondering if I can turn the tables on these identity thieves (or: future America’s most wanted stars)…if they steal my identity, then can I forward all my collection, stockbroker, and donations calls, along with my gambling debts over to them also. You never know… They may end up wishing they were not me…

B.I.P. (that’s P.I.B. encrypted)