AIRLINE ANTICS

AIRLINE ANTICS

If you have read any of my older articles at www.pib.blogspot.com (also see my article on GYM RATS 05/2008) you know that I enjoy observing and analyzing human behavior, as well as categorizing different groups of people. I hate to over simplify things but it seems to me that people naturally fall into certain categories and sub categories. Much as a botanist would classify plants by species, I have developed my own nomenclature system for naming things. (and even my Italian Boy specially modified spell checker is worn out)

It’s also interesting that people behave differently when placed in different social situations. Few of these interactions are more revealing than when 300 or 400 people gather to board an airplane. The interaction between these perfect strangers is often amusing and revealing.

I have occasion to travel quite often and always take that opportunity to sit back and observe my fellow passengers, both at the gate and also aboard the plane. Below you will find the most common behavioral patterns and categories of people that I encounter:

PRE-BOARDING:

The Worrier: The worrier makes himself known while still in the waiting area, his sweat stained shirt and endless pacing is an easy give away. On board he is easily identified by the large beads of sweat dripping from his forehead, and the white knuckle grip on the chair arm. The worrier is wide eyed and constantly on the alert, with every sound or movement that the plane makes. They are often known to light incense to help insure a safe flight.

Snackeradactle : Ahhh. The snackers (for short). These guys must make sure to get plenty to eat before the flight.(Only God knows when they may eat again)Like a bear preparing for hibernation, they make sure to fill up, before the long flight. They will often be observed choking down a corn dog as they enter the gateway. They have also been known to pack a full course meal to consume at their seat, while the rest of us are enjoying our salted peanuts.


ON BOARD BEHAVIORS:


The Snailosaurus: Ok. The name says it all on this one. Ever wonder why it takes so long to get everyone one on the plane? There is a good chance that you have one or two snails boarding ahead of you. They have one speed..slow.

The Isle Hog: The Isle Hog-iferous, is a breed unto itself. They are markedly different from the snail, because the can get to their assigned seat rather quickly, but once they get there, they set up shop right in the isle. They will fiddle with their carry on, take on or off articles of clothing, chat with the neighbors, and even start reading their magazine while still blocking the isle. The fact that there are another 215 people waiting behind them and trying to get to their seats is of no concern to them. (maybe it’s a power thing)

The Numerically Impaired: These guys are easy to spot because they also slow the boarding process to a crawl. They can often be spotted looking at each seat number then back down at their boarding pass. Starting from row number one, they will pause at each row and refer back to their ticket, until they get to row 67.(often holding the boarding pass up, as if it is some type of compass) At that point they must do the mental math of determining the layout of seat #A, B, C, or D. (a real crowd pleaser)

The Creature of Comfort: The creature of comfort has packed carefully, not for the vacation or trip, but for the one hour flight to get there. They carefully unpack all the travel gear to insure they have the most comfortable flight. Out comes the mini reading light, travel pillow, beaded seat cover, special slippers, I Pod, space blanket, and one of those sleeping masks that goes over your eyes, so you can block out all external light sources. They are also know to immediately push there seat fully back and into the knee caps of the person behind them, but heck..at least they are comfortable.

The Travel Neanderthal: Just as the name suggests, these passenger have no concern for any traveler other then themselves. They are rude and impatient, coupled with being totally self centered. They often speak in one symbol dialogues that usually begin with the word “me”.

Button Pushers: No stewardess will rest, as long as there is at least one Button Pusher aboard the plane. They will often push the call button during the flight just to make sure it is still operational.

Sneezers, Coughers, Hackers: Ok everyone gets sick, but it seems like I always end up sitting in the infirmary section of the plane. I know I’m in trouble when the first thing I notice is a giant box of Kleenex tissues being opened as soon as I sit down. They can also be spotted as they set up a small scale hospital room complete with the hanging intravenous lines, heart monitors, and the blood pressure cuffs. They will often be caught calling the stewardess,,”Nurse”. Try to avoid sitting next to them.

Loud Mouths: Loud mouths are by no means only found aboard airplanes, they are frequently observed in bars and restaurants, however due to the noise from the planes engines they must “up their game” a dozen or so decibels to make absolutely sure that everyone can hear their jokes, complaints, and antics. (Also, they seem to be very fond of those miniature bottles of booze)

First Classers: Yes, the privileged few who sit in the very front of the plane in royal comfort. They enjoy a normal sized chair while the rest of us peasants get to sit 3 deep in half the space. The airlines normally add insult to injury by closing a small curtain so that those of us, not so fortunate travelers, don’t gaze upon the royal ones up front. And remember, by no means are the commoners and lesser ones to cross the curtain in order to use the privileged rest rooms.

Seat Hog Sapiens: Seat Hogs are not content with the seat they been assigned. They generally begin assuming ownership of more real estate from the moment they sit down. Their first move is often to flop an arm well over both arm rests, as if to stake their claim. From there they will often lean or lurch into the air space of their neighbor, often under the guise of sleeping.

Stewardzilla: Raise those tray tables and seat backs, turn off those cell phones, suck in that gut, and don’t interrupt me when I’m reading “O” magazine.. Oh yes…you know the ones, I’m referring to.

Arewe’s: Just like kids in the family car, you will often hear the unmistakable call of the Arewe’s….Are we there yet, Are we there yet ??

Pack Mules: Pack mules absolutely refuse to collect their luggage at the baggage claim area at the end of the flight. They are experts at circumventing the “one piece carry on rule”. They can many times be seen with the 6 piece matching designer rolling luggage ensembles that appear to be a single carry on, but take up all the room in 4 over head storage bins. (back pack, computer case, carpetbagger 3 cubic yard purse or briefcase)

Salmon: Just like the fish, these guys are known to always swim up stream. They insist on moving up the isle while everyone else is trying to move down the isle.(especially when everyone else is trying to get on or off the plane.)

There you have it. This collection of people and personality types are on every flight. Have some fun on your next flight and pick them out. If you are lucky you may even discover another species of flyer, or possibly, you are one of the types above.

Please feel free to contact me at: pooritalianboy@gmail.com
P.I.B.