IF I WERE KING

IF I WERE KING

Listen, I don’t care who gets elected for president this time around. Frankly neither of the choices appeal to me, and it’s gotten to the point where neither party accurately represents my views or ideals.

Well you might ask, then, what’s your solution to this whole issue of “who will govern”. So. I’ve given the matter a lot of thought and came up with an idea that I should be “King of the World”. Since it probably wouldn’t be an elected position, then I see no need to explain my platform, and very bluntly I wouldn’t need to say or do anything to get your vote or approval. And don’t expect any hanging chads, or me to pull a sword out of a stone or anything. I’d probably just leak the coronation news to CNN or Larry King and let them run with it.

Still, being King of the World would be a very big role, and I’d really want people to like me, so I do my best to keep everyone happy. (if it didn’t interfere too much with my Kingly wishes, that is). I really don’t think I’d need a White House, Castle, Royal Palace or anything, I mean those things cost a lot of bucks.. I could probably set a good example and just run the world from my home office ( I wonder if IRS would let that qualify as a home office deduction ?, well then again it wouldn’t matter much, because I’d be getting rid of those bastards on day numero uno.

I guess the position would require a great deal of travel, I mean, I wouldn’t want any country to feel slighted and not get a royal visit. (note to self: call the Pope and see if he can rent me out the Pope Mobile when he is not using it). I guess I would need my own jet, I mean the president has his own jet, John Travolta has his own jet, and even Obama has his own jet and he isn’t even king of the world (yet). So, since I saved some money on the home office deal, I think the least I deserve is my own jet.. “Palace One” perhaps. (at least I could travel first class for a change..and not have to pay $7.50 for one of those little bottles of liquor)

Alright, let’s get down to serious matters. Ask what I can do for the people (and I’m not campaigning here, because I’m assuming I’ve already been awarded the position.) First of all I will eliminate all of the large, wasteful and otherwise corrupt government agencies worldwide, and replace them with my own somewhat smaller but equally wasteful and corrupt government. Second: I will cut intrusive income taxes, fees, fines, tariffs, customs, duties, levys, assessments and other government collection of funds from its constituents.(after all, now everyone just has to keep me “fat and happy” and not a bunch of other “public servants” worldwide.) Third: I will disband all the armies because now everyone is working to protect my best interests and not any local or national best interest. Just the money we will save on bombs and armaments will feed everyone that is hungry. (plus 10% off the top for my royal bank account ..hey a guy’s gott’a make a liv’in. Who knows how long this “King” job will last for). Maybe I’ll unite the world under one world language ..”Italian”……alright, ok, how about….Spanish….and I’ll send everyone a free C.D. from Rosetta Stone. (along with an autographed picture of me, in my King outfit…)

So now with all the wars stopped, everyone eating well, and prosperous. I can sit back and enjoy the office of “king”. Don’t worry I can handle it. I really don’t think I will let the whole “Your Majesty thing” go to my head. I’d like to think that it won’t even change me much, except maybe for the 20 maidens throwing rose pedals everywhere I walk, the young princess pealing grapes for me, the jewel laden crown and scepter, those guys with the big fans, and the royal food tester. Of course this could ruin my reputation as the “poor Italian boy” , but hey, sometimes ya just gotta make a few sacrifices….Its the whole, “the good of the many, is more important than the good of the one” thing. Somebody’s gott’a do it, and I drew the short straw.

I plan on visiting all the countries big and small but I think I’ll pick Hawaii for my main residence (and maybe Crawford Texas, for my summer home..plus Both places have hosted royalty in the past). Hawaii seems kind of centrally located and for a sun and fun loving monarch like me, it’s a better choice than say Iceland..

Anyway, as you can see the world would be a better place with me as King…so, don’t just sit there ..Get the word out..

P.I.B.