THE MALL

THE MALL



THE MALL
Few phrases bring fear into the heart of man, like “lets go to the mall”. In fact I believe that the mall was originally devised as a place of punishment for the male animal of the species.
I’ll tell you right off the bat, like most men, I don’t like shopping. I’ve so far as to have all the malls in the state blacked out on my car’s GPS, and clearly marked as “no-man’s zone”. If I need to buy something, I want to get in a store, buy what I need and leave. I’ve been known to even buy a shirt I didn’t particularly like, just to get out of the store faster.
I’m not sure what the genesis of “the mall” is, but it probably evolved from a few stores built nearby, then a strip center, then someone decided that they should be enclosed, and from there…..came the whole mall concept.
Today’s malls, consists of hundred’s of stores, kiosks, food courts, entertainment areas and restaurants. The trend seems to be towards bigger and bigger malls. More stores, jogging paths, skating rings, movie theaters with 16 plus screens and even indoor water parks. Mall owners and tenants want the mall to be a day long destination. Soon they will be charging admission.
If you ask me, all these malls are redundant. Have you ever noticed you can walk into any mall in the United States and find the same shops. I mean, are there really that many people that want a summer sausage, engraved picture frame, or some kind of bath lotion?
Maybe men would like malls more, if they had some things that appeal more towards men. Out of the above listed hundreds of stores, darn near all of them are geared towards women.(that’s cauz spending by women makes up 99% of the GNP)
Aside from all the women shoppers, about the only other people that inhabit the malls on a regular basis, are either kids there for a modeling show on the mall stage, gangs, or old folks that use it as a social gathering place and walking track.
Men in general don’t know what to do with themselves when they get dragged to the mall. We are often there under the duress, or against our better judgment. We also sometimes succumb to one of the top three lies that women tell...”I’ll just run in and get what I need and be right out”, then we can do whatever you want to do for the rest of the morning….ya sure that will never happen. It’s about then that I do the gentlemanly thing by hitting the automatic door unlocker, and bring the car to a slow roll, while yelling…”Tuck and Roll”…..
That usually doesn’t go over very well so, Taking the women at their word, we usually. Knuckle under and set off to kill the 25 or 30 minutes max that we think anyone could possibly endure this ordeal (only to find out latter that the women aren’t even getting warmed up after the first hour or two.) What we can’t understand is “The Mall” is home away from home for most gals.
So, we do what men are prone to do. First we walk from one end of the mall to the other (no small task considering the huge size of most malls). Then after working our way back to the P.O.B> (point of beginning) and with a very satisfied look on our face we decide to take in another lap, just to give the women plenty of time to shop, without us seeming like a pain in the ass.(this ought to earn us major brownie points, we think smugly)
Well, I guess we did pass a few points of interest, so we make a third lap around the track, stopping at all the usual man stops, that are ubiquitous in every mall. In rapid succession we hit the Sear’s tool department, the book store, sporting goods shop, coffee place, a little glance thru the window at Victoria’s secret, and grab a quick snack at the pretzel shop and the food court. Wow, that ought-a do it. We gott’a be push’in an hour here, that’s enough time for anyone to shop.(little do we know, that the little lady is still in the same isle of the first store, at this point)
I’m sure everyone has witnessed the following scene. Here is a man, standing in the middle of the mall, alternately looking at his watch and then scanning around in a 360 arc, then back to the watch again, all with a look of disbelief on his face. Ok, so here we are back at the assigned and pre-arranged spot, and the women that coerced us into this nightmare is no where to be found. But..she said 20 minutes and its been 30. Perhaps we did not sync up watches before we went our separate ways.
Now, we start doubting if we were told to wait right out front of the jewelry store, maybe she’s back in the car already…no, I’ve got the key. So, you know what that means…Yep….we get to sit in the penalty box, that hard bench there in the middle of the mall along with all the other manly men. But, we are all doing our best to act like we want to there, knowing full well that the unlucky bastard next to us, is also ‘doing bench time”.
Finally, after untold minutes of waiting, we are once again re-united and make a quick break towards the exit…
Just as we reach full gallop, the front door and freedom within sight, we hear the words that no man wants to hear. “Oh….hold this for a minute, I’ll be right back. I need to pick up one more quick thing.”
No wonder….I hate the mall…..
P.I.B.