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DATING SERVICE
“Or Desperate and Dateless”
I guess some things never change. It seems most of us just need a little help when it comes to finding the ideal mate. Sometimes I think the animal world has a better solution then we do. Maybe two males should just meet out in the middle of a field somewhere and bang heads a little, with the winner getting the girl.
In the old days, in some ways it was easier. The parents of the future bride and groom would get together and choose up sides when their offspring were very young. Perhaps it was done for political reasons, or to repay a debt, but in either case, the choice was pretty cut and dried. Sometimes you’d win, sometimes you’d loose, but I don’t think there was a 50% divorce rate back then either.
Today, it seems like everything is just more complicated. Both men and women are working full time jobs, doing sports, and just plain busy. It really doesn’t leave a lot of time for long romances; so many people have turned to technology.
Of course you can try the bar scene, and stand there night after night, subjecting yourself to hideous amounts of second hand smoke, with a drink in your hand listening to heart pounding music. As you stand there in an alcoholic stupor, I’m confident you’ll make a great choice for a future spouse.
Ok so, after trying the “traditional” watering holes, you are now ready to give technology a shot. So, the very next Friday night, instead of hitting the local bars, you grab a beer and fire up the old laptop. Not sure where to look you key up Craig’s List (ok..maybe not that kind of girlfriend), I mean the Google search engine and start your search. Let’s see, what search terms should I use? Wife, Girl friend, dating, affair, compatibility, hooker, women, fling, marriage?
It won’t be long before your search leads you to a giant flashing ad in the sidebar, “Dating Service”. Now you are getting somewhere, as your chubby little fingers quickly type in the web address and with a click of the mouse you have arrived.
The web site is professionally done and has images of smiling and happy singles, looking contently into each others eyes, complete with testimonials. One look at those love birds and you decide this must be the way to true happiness. Of course every person depicted on the site looks like a run way model or underwear model.(with a full set of teeth) All the testimonials detail the ultimate happiness these people have found, and all give thanks and credit to this wonderful dating service. I wonder for a moment how many psychos’s and ax murderers also might use a site like this, but you quickly banish the thought from your mind.
You decide that there is no way you can loose; I mean the ad guarantees you a “perfect match”. You decide to take the plunge and begin your journey. All you need to do now is to fill out the 100 question survey to determine your compatibility. With another swig of your beer you dive into the questioner. It crossed your mind for a moment if you should answer each question in a manner that will make you look good or with a true answer that most closely defines your personality. Here are a few of the questions:
SEX: yes
AGE: take real age and subtract 5 years
WEIGHT: you mean now, or in high school ?
HOBBIES: Watching football on T.V…..No scratch that…Going to the
Opera and reading Shakespeare
I’M LOOKING For: A long term relationship. Secret Code for a great
one night stand
WISH FOR THE WORLD: I just want us all to be happy and get along
(Hey..it worked for Miss America)
IDEA OF A PERFECT WOMEN: Great bod…no inhibitions…ok…let
me have another try…Good sense of humor, likes walking in
the rain,
Ok..you get the idea..so now you just lie your ass off for the next 95 questions and then hit the submit button. You think, I’m almost there, but now the web site is prompting me to scan in a current picture. After fumbling around for a few minutes trying to decide where the hell you will get a current picture of yourself, an idea comes to mind. There on your desk, is your answer, but it has you standing next to your last looser girlfriend. In a flash you grab a pair of scissors and cut the head off your alleged soul mate, but even after several beers you come to the decision that using this particular picture may cast you in the light of a major looser or possibly a serial killer.
A thought occurs that you ponder for a moment using your driver’s license photo but decide that it looks more like a mug shot than a glamour picture. After a few unsuccessful attempts using photo shop to make the picture look better you decide to fall back to plan “B”. After consulting with another bottle of Bud Light you get the great idea of using your old high school year book picture. Hey, you were 30 pounds lighter then and had a youthful smile. So into the scanner it went and you are on your way to eternal happiness.
After 45 minutes of lying and soul searching you are sitting there with a very satisfied look on my face. You now just need to hit the submit button then sit back and watch as hundreds of anxious and hopefully Horney ladies fill your in box with their profiles and indecent proposals.
It seems that the first order of business is to address this full page pop up asking you to enter your credit card info. Your first thought is, Hey I didn’t know this process was going to cost me anything, I guess even dating service people need to make a living, but $300 bucks? You sit there frozen for a few minutes of indecision, while your mind does MMM or “Mental Man Math” (ok…300 dollars equals one week’s take home pay, or 6.5 pay for views of UFC matches, or 13.3 cases of your favorite beer. You sit there mired in indecision, like a deer in the headlights for several minutes.
Your mind is in full gear as you weigh out your options for a few minutes as you day dream about all the potential dates that could be garnered from this endeavor. The web site reminds you that you will find a 100 % compatible dream girl for your money. A sudden urge requires you to make a quick trip over to the fridge to grab another cold one to help lubricate the decision process only to find that its your last one.
You march back to the computer with a sense of urgency and a look of determination in your eyes, and quickly hit the cancel button. You were really looking forward to all that life long compatibility stuff, but decide that you really need to hold back some funds for poker night tomorrow with the boz….
Oh, well..I guess you can always fall back on giving the old grocery store and laundry mat another visit and maybe you’ll find your true soul mate there…..you never know..
Please feel free to contact me at : pooritalianboy@gmail.com
P.I.B.
“Or Desperate and Dateless”
I guess some things never change. It seems most of us just need a little help when it comes to finding the ideal mate. Sometimes I think the animal world has a better solution then we do. Maybe two males should just meet out in the middle of a field somewhere and bang heads a little, with the winner getting the girl.
In the old days, in some ways it was easier. The parents of the future bride and groom would get together and choose up sides when their offspring were very young. Perhaps it was done for political reasons, or to repay a debt, but in either case, the choice was pretty cut and dried. Sometimes you’d win, sometimes you’d loose, but I don’t think there was a 50% divorce rate back then either.
Today, it seems like everything is just more complicated. Both men and women are working full time jobs, doing sports, and just plain busy. It really doesn’t leave a lot of time for long romances; so many people have turned to technology.
Of course you can try the bar scene, and stand there night after night, subjecting yourself to hideous amounts of second hand smoke, with a drink in your hand listening to heart pounding music. As you stand there in an alcoholic stupor, I’m confident you’ll make a great choice for a future spouse.
Ok so, after trying the “traditional” watering holes, you are now ready to give technology a shot. So, the very next Friday night, instead of hitting the local bars, you grab a beer and fire up the old laptop. Not sure where to look you key up Craig’s List (ok..maybe not that kind of girlfriend), I mean the Google search engine and start your search. Let’s see, what search terms should I use? Wife, Girl friend, dating, affair, compatibility, hooker, women, fling, marriage?
It won’t be long before your search leads you to a giant flashing ad in the sidebar, “Dating Service”. Now you are getting somewhere, as your chubby little fingers quickly type in the web address and with a click of the mouse you have arrived.
The web site is professionally done and has images of smiling and happy singles, looking contently into each others eyes, complete with testimonials. One look at those love birds and you decide this must be the way to true happiness. Of course every person depicted on the site looks like a run way model or underwear model.(with a full set of teeth) All the testimonials detail the ultimate happiness these people have found, and all give thanks and credit to this wonderful dating service. I wonder for a moment how many psychos’s and ax murderers also might use a site like this, but you quickly banish the thought from your mind.
You decide that there is no way you can loose; I mean the ad guarantees you a “perfect match”. You decide to take the plunge and begin your journey. All you need to do now is to fill out the 100 question survey to determine your compatibility. With another swig of your beer you dive into the questioner. It crossed your mind for a moment if you should answer each question in a manner that will make you look good or with a true answer that most closely defines your personality. Here are a few of the questions:
SEX: yes
AGE: take real age and subtract 5 years
WEIGHT: you mean now, or in high school ?
HOBBIES: Watching football on T.V…..No scratch that…Going to the
Opera and reading Shakespeare
I’M LOOKING For: A long term relationship. Secret Code for a great
one night stand
WISH FOR THE WORLD: I just want us all to be happy and get along
(Hey..it worked for Miss America)
IDEA OF A PERFECT WOMEN: Great bod…no inhibitions…ok…let
me have another try…Good sense of humor, likes walking in
the rain,
Ok..you get the idea..so now you just lie your ass off for the next 95 questions and then hit the submit button. You think, I’m almost there, but now the web site is prompting me to scan in a current picture. After fumbling around for a few minutes trying to decide where the hell you will get a current picture of yourself, an idea comes to mind. There on your desk, is your answer, but it has you standing next to your last looser girlfriend. In a flash you grab a pair of scissors and cut the head off your alleged soul mate, but even after several beers you come to the decision that using this particular picture may cast you in the light of a major looser or possibly a serial killer.
A thought occurs that you ponder for a moment using your driver’s license photo but decide that it looks more like a mug shot than a glamour picture. After a few unsuccessful attempts using photo shop to make the picture look better you decide to fall back to plan “B”. After consulting with another bottle of Bud Light you get the great idea of using your old high school year book picture. Hey, you were 30 pounds lighter then and had a youthful smile. So into the scanner it went and you are on your way to eternal happiness.
After 45 minutes of lying and soul searching you are sitting there with a very satisfied look on my face. You now just need to hit the submit button then sit back and watch as hundreds of anxious and hopefully Horney ladies fill your in box with their profiles and indecent proposals.
It seems that the first order of business is to address this full page pop up asking you to enter your credit card info. Your first thought is, Hey I didn’t know this process was going to cost me anything, I guess even dating service people need to make a living, but $300 bucks? You sit there frozen for a few minutes of indecision, while your mind does MMM or “Mental Man Math” (ok…300 dollars equals one week’s take home pay, or 6.5 pay for views of UFC matches, or 13.3 cases of your favorite beer. You sit there mired in indecision, like a deer in the headlights for several minutes.
Your mind is in full gear as you weigh out your options for a few minutes as you day dream about all the potential dates that could be garnered from this endeavor. The web site reminds you that you will find a 100 % compatible dream girl for your money. A sudden urge requires you to make a quick trip over to the fridge to grab another cold one to help lubricate the decision process only to find that its your last one.
You march back to the computer with a sense of urgency and a look of determination in your eyes, and quickly hit the cancel button. You were really looking forward to all that life long compatibility stuff, but decide that you really need to hold back some funds for poker night tomorrow with the boz….
Oh, well..I guess you can always fall back on giving the old grocery store and laundry mat another visit and maybe you’ll find your true soul mate there…..you never know..
Please feel free to contact me at : pooritalianboy@gmail.com
P.I.B.
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