AIRLINE ANTICS

AIRLINE ANTICS

If you have read any of my older articles at www.pib.blogspot.com (also see my article on GYM RATS 05/2008) you know that I enjoy observing and analyzing human behavior, as well as categorizing different groups of people. I hate to over simplify things but it seems to me that people naturally fall into certain categories and sub categories. Much as a botanist would classify plants by species, I have developed my own nomenclature system for naming things. (and even my Italian Boy specially modified spell checker is worn out)

It’s also interesting that people behave differently when placed in different social situations. Few of these interactions are more revealing than when 300 or 400 people gather to board an airplane. The interaction between these perfect strangers is often amusing and revealing.

I have occasion to travel quite often and always take that opportunity to sit back and observe my fellow passengers, both at the gate and also aboard the plane. Below you will find the most common behavioral patterns and categories of people that I encounter:

PRE-BOARDING:

The Worrier: The worrier makes himself known while still in the waiting area, his sweat stained shirt and endless pacing is an easy give away. On board he is easily identified by the large beads of sweat dripping from his forehead, and the white knuckle grip on the chair arm. The worrier is wide eyed and constantly on the alert, with every sound or movement that the plane makes. They are often known to light incense to help insure a safe flight.

Snackeradactle : Ahhh. The snackers (for short). These guys must make sure to get plenty to eat before the flight.(Only God knows when they may eat again)Like a bear preparing for hibernation, they make sure to fill up, before the long flight. They will often be observed choking down a corn dog as they enter the gateway. They have also been known to pack a full course meal to consume at their seat, while the rest of us are enjoying our salted peanuts.


ON BOARD BEHAVIORS:


The Snailosaurus: Ok. The name says it all on this one. Ever wonder why it takes so long to get everyone one on the plane? There is a good chance that you have one or two snails boarding ahead of you. They have one speed..slow.

The Isle Hog: The Isle Hog-iferous, is a breed unto itself. They are markedly different from the snail, because the can get to their assigned seat rather quickly, but once they get there, they set up shop right in the isle. They will fiddle with their carry on, take on or off articles of clothing, chat with the neighbors, and even start reading their magazine while still blocking the isle. The fact that there are another 215 people waiting behind them and trying to get to their seats is of no concern to them. (maybe it’s a power thing)

The Numerically Impaired: These guys are easy to spot because they also slow the boarding process to a crawl. They can often be spotted looking at each seat number then back down at their boarding pass. Starting from row number one, they will pause at each row and refer back to their ticket, until they get to row 67.(often holding the boarding pass up, as if it is some type of compass) At that point they must do the mental math of determining the layout of seat #A, B, C, or D. (a real crowd pleaser)

The Creature of Comfort: The creature of comfort has packed carefully, not for the vacation or trip, but for the one hour flight to get there. They carefully unpack all the travel gear to insure they have the most comfortable flight. Out comes the mini reading light, travel pillow, beaded seat cover, special slippers, I Pod, space blanket, and one of those sleeping masks that goes over your eyes, so you can block out all external light sources. They are also know to immediately push there seat fully back and into the knee caps of the person behind them, but heck..at least they are comfortable.

The Travel Neanderthal: Just as the name suggests, these passenger have no concern for any traveler other then themselves. They are rude and impatient, coupled with being totally self centered. They often speak in one symbol dialogues that usually begin with the word “me”.

Button Pushers: No stewardess will rest, as long as there is at least one Button Pusher aboard the plane. They will often push the call button during the flight just to make sure it is still operational.

Sneezers, Coughers, Hackers: Ok everyone gets sick, but it seems like I always end up sitting in the infirmary section of the plane. I know I’m in trouble when the first thing I notice is a giant box of Kleenex tissues being opened as soon as I sit down. They can also be spotted as they set up a small scale hospital room complete with the hanging intravenous lines, heart monitors, and the blood pressure cuffs. They will often be caught calling the stewardess,,”Nurse”. Try to avoid sitting next to them.

Loud Mouths: Loud mouths are by no means only found aboard airplanes, they are frequently observed in bars and restaurants, however due to the noise from the planes engines they must “up their game” a dozen or so decibels to make absolutely sure that everyone can hear their jokes, complaints, and antics. (Also, they seem to be very fond of those miniature bottles of booze)

First Classers: Yes, the privileged few who sit in the very front of the plane in royal comfort. They enjoy a normal sized chair while the rest of us peasants get to sit 3 deep in half the space. The airlines normally add insult to injury by closing a small curtain so that those of us, not so fortunate travelers, don’t gaze upon the royal ones up front. And remember, by no means are the commoners and lesser ones to cross the curtain in order to use the privileged rest rooms.

Seat Hog Sapiens: Seat Hogs are not content with the seat they been assigned. They generally begin assuming ownership of more real estate from the moment they sit down. Their first move is often to flop an arm well over both arm rests, as if to stake their claim. From there they will often lean or lurch into the air space of their neighbor, often under the guise of sleeping.

Stewardzilla: Raise those tray tables and seat backs, turn off those cell phones, suck in that gut, and don’t interrupt me when I’m reading “O” magazine.. Oh yes…you know the ones, I’m referring to.

Arewe’s: Just like kids in the family car, you will often hear the unmistakable call of the Arewe’s….Are we there yet, Are we there yet ??

Pack Mules: Pack mules absolutely refuse to collect their luggage at the baggage claim area at the end of the flight. They are experts at circumventing the “one piece carry on rule”. They can many times be seen with the 6 piece matching designer rolling luggage ensembles that appear to be a single carry on, but take up all the room in 4 over head storage bins. (back pack, computer case, carpetbagger 3 cubic yard purse or briefcase)

Salmon: Just like the fish, these guys are known to always swim up stream. They insist on moving up the isle while everyone else is trying to move down the isle.(especially when everyone else is trying to get on or off the plane.)

There you have it. This collection of people and personality types are on every flight. Have some fun on your next flight and pick them out. If you are lucky you may even discover another species of flyer, or possibly, you are one of the types above.

Please feel free to contact me at: pooritalianboy@gmail.com
P.I.B.

AIRLINES

AIRLINES

Let’s face it, most Americans today need to fly commercially. (or you can get a free government ride on a government plane, but it will cost you 4 years of your life) Perhaps the purpose of your trip is business related, personal, vacation, a family visit, or emergency. I guess the point I’m trying to make is, the airlines, much like the interstate highway system, represent a vital mode of transportation in the United States. If you need to get somewhere distant, and don’t have the luxury to take a leisurely car trip, you better book a flight.

With that being said, I don’t think anyone would argue the point that the commercial aviation system in our country is in desperate need of a “top to bottom overhaul”. (politically correct wording meaning: enema) The few remaining carriers are on the verge of consolidating or going out of business. Most have cut back on service, maintenance, flight routes and staff. (not to mention exacting payroll considerations on their employees) The average age of the aircraft in service is getting older, as the airlines hesitate to renew their fleets in a period of diminishing returns. (the plane I got on the other day said “new.. now radar equipped”) High fuel prices and maintenance costs, have ravaged their profits.

The level of quality and service has been reduced considerably, with many flights canceled and others not adhering to schedules. Flight delays and cancellation are now the norm and not the exception. Even getting a direct non-stop flight is getting harder to book. Travel agents have been all but been forced out of the equation, and internet ticket purchases are the norm. Ticket prices have soared and passengers are faced with increasing instances of overbooked flights and very uncomfortable seating. It’s a common practice for airlines to overbook each flight, knowing that a few passengers won’t show, but don’t expect a refund, even if they resell your seat. The airlines have also resorted to nickel and dime-ing their passengers with pesky additional fees, including, charging extra for stowed luggage, additional fees for “select” seating, and even charging extra for soda and water.

I find myself gritting my teeth before a flight, as we are herded onto the plane, and then required to sit in an uncomfortable chair, barely large enough for a child. (and then fight with your neighbor to see who gets the arm rest) The loading and unloading process alone seems to add almost an hour to the torture, aggravated by the passengers that just can’t seem to put their luggage in the rack or find their assigned seat. ( Preferring instead to just block the isle, so that no one else can get to their seat). I for one, would be happy to walk outside on the tarmac, and climb or descend from a rope ladder at the rear entrance of the plane to help things move a little faster. Poor Italian Boy airlines, would require any passenger not boarded and in his seat with 6 minutes to be escorted off the plane.

When was the last time you were on a flight with an empty seat? I’ve gotten close few times, but just as I was about to enjoy the extra two and a half square foot of space, the cabin door opened again and a few vastly overweight stragglers made their way right to the empty seat beside me. ( As I silently prayed: not here, not hear, pick another seat, please) So much for a little breathing room.

Listen, I can’t totally blame the airlines, they are in a tuff business and most of them are struggling for their lives. Another big merger is underway as I write this. The only way they can make any money is with jammed packed planes and fewer unprofitable routes. Ticket prices are on the rise, and discount airlines are on the decline. They have also mastered the art of pricing tickets and made it a science. Try to buy a ticket a day or two in advance and you will likely pay double or triple. Want to upgrade to first class after you have already bought a ticket, be prepared to re-finance the house. (for the privilege of sitting in front of that little closed curtain, and getting off the plane 4 minutes faster than the peasants in coach). Some of the long range overseas routes are a little more profitable and they offer a few extra amenities on these flights.

As far as I’m concerned the airlines have taken a giant leap backward. Ten years ago, they all held to a higher standard. Today, everything from the food and snacks to the seating and attitude of the flight attendants has gone down hill. ( And what happened to the nice cloth towels that were placed on every headrest) What used to be a pleasurable experience has now become, at best, an necessary evil. Add in the extra inconvenience placed on passengers at the airport with the extra wait, crowds, lines, and the security check in, and you are bound to be off with a bad start for the trip.

Listen, until the average Joe can afford his own plane, I guess we will just have to grin and bare it. (I don’t know about you, but I’m a little short on cash right now, so my brand new 747 jet will be on hold). Besides who says the jet plane will be the preferred mode of transportation 50 years in the future anyway ? ( If we all thought like that, everyone would still be traveling by stagecoach, train or greyhound bus) Times change, I’m thinking we need to take a giant technological leap forward or backward for that matter. Maybe we are all just in too much of a rush. If I had my say, we would bring back the blimps, the dirigible, a modern version of the old fashioned airship. (less the ultra-flammable helium) Note: these are actually under consideration now… Sure, we wouldn’t be able to make the cross country trip in five hours, but we would probably save a ton of fuel and there would be a heck of a lot more room. (more like a cruise ship in comfort) I think I would enjoy leaving Tampa around 3pm, having a nice dinner mid flight, (without having to squeeze a tray on a small fold out table in a seat back) then see a show, and afterwards (in my rented tux) and then retire to my stateroom. The next morning wake up refreshed, have a little breakfast and be at my destination. Maybe, I’d be the recipient of a little customer service to boot. The extra bonus would be flying at a low enough altitude to catch a little scenery and some fresh air. This way the transportation becomes an enjoyable part of the trip, not a necessary evil.

I think the airlines better make some drastic changes, and make them soon. Unhappy customers, will only tolerate any poorly run business until a suitable alternative is available. In the mean time, Americans love to travel, and we are a captured audience for the air travel.

Sorry, gotta run…they just called my flight.

P.I.B.