MILLIONAIRE

THE MILLIONAIRE

When I was a kid there was a Television show called “The Millionaire”. The premise of the show was that a very wealthy benefactor would give away a million dollars to a perfect stranger with the provision that the recipient never divulged the source of the money.

Although I’m not in a position to give perfect strangers such a large sum of money, I thought it would be cool if I could do the same sort of thing, just on a smaller basis. (Ok… A much smaller basis) I figured I might as well get a jump on this whole “Redistribution of Wealth” concept that the government seems so bent on. (don’t that call that Socialism ?).

Well, in keeping with the whole “take from the rich and give to the poor concept”, I formulated a plan of action. I mean, why wait until the government taxes me; puts a cap on my wages, or just plain confiscates my savings (now that they own the banks and all). I might as well get some joy and personal satisfaction out of giving away my own hard earned money.

It turns out, I had to scale down the whole program to a certain degree. In the original show, the rich guy hired representatives to do his good bidding for him. Since I found myself on a much tighter budget, I decided to do the actual awarding of funds on my own.

Well, it seems people are not quite as trusting as they once were. In fact, the first few people I tried to befriend, with cash in hand, slowly backed away from me while threatening to call the cops. After that experience I decided to take things a little slower and offer a little more in the way of explanation before I got to the “show me the money” part of the script.

Well it turns out this whole, let me help my neighbor succeed concept, is not as easy as one might assume. Over the course of the next few attempts I was threatened, robbed, beaten, and reported to the local authorities as some kind of nut case. Maybe this is why the original Mark Antony guy used proxies in neat black suits (they must have been more socially believable than me in my jeans and wife beater T-shirt.)

Not to be a quitter, I decided that I had better refine my approach, and perhaps do a little more research on my selected recipients before waltzing in with the cashola. Perhaps some of the people I selected, just didn’t need the money, were too proud, or maybe they just didn’t believe in charity. After careful study I decided to select a guy that seemed rather down on his luck, that I ascertained by virtue of the “will work for food” sign he was holding at the side of the highway.

I approached the fella with outstretched arms and told him that good fortune was smiling down on him today. I thought I would be brief and get the business disclaimer part of my offer out of the way, and began explaining the part about how he could never disclose the source of his good fortune only to find him fast asleep before he could acknowledge his part of the deal. In disgust, I left him 20 dollars in his make shift collection plate and moved on with a renewed sense of purpose. (I had determined that I would not be denied my ‘warm and fuzzy feeling” of giving away my money)




Tired but undaunted I spent the next day devising a sure fire plan to give away some money to those in need, thereby fulfilling my social, patriotic, and philanthropic instincts. A quick trip to the bank in the morning served the purpose of turning in all my cash and withdrawing the same amount of funds in a great number of certified bank checks.

I now set about my day randomly selecting worthy looking recipients and with very little fanfare I handed each of them one of the bank checks. I handed out checks to people in front of the hospital (my answer to Universal health care), I handed out checks to students gathered in front of the local college ( leave no student behind), and I handed out checks at the old folks home (my answer to social security) The plan worked perfectly because each one of them (both rich and poor) to a man simply looked down at the check then smiled as they put the check in their pocket, wallet, or purse.

With a great deal of satisfaction I finished the day after having exhausted my supply of checks and money. I was now broke and in fact quite destitute but rewarded by the fact that I had so diligently and completely accomplished my quest. I was feeling quite noble, but in a more pensive moment, I had cause to question my own actions. Did I actually help the economy, or did I just give money to strangers, that I may have personally spent to better purpose. (perhaps creating long lasting jobs)

You also might ask, how I so totally overcame the natural resistance of most Americans to put aside their pride and take handout money from a perfect stranger…..Actually it was quite simple. (I just borrowed a lesson from the Federal Government) I simply added one line of explanation to the bottom of each check…..

“Stimulus Check”

Please feel free to contact me at: pooritalianboy@gmail.com

P.I.B.

GOVERNMENT CHEESE

GOVERNMENT CHEESE
What If…………

What a great day. Today I have been granted an opportunity to submit my automotive ownership application. I have managed to save enough money for the application fee and have submitted all my paperwork in triplicate (as required by law). I think I did a good job laying out the evidence as to why I need a car. Don’t get me wrong, I’m feeling a little bit guilty. I totally agree with the concept of public transportation for all, its much better for the environment. But, as a member of the ruling party, I have earned some preferential treatment.

Now, it is just a matter of waiting the required time for the application to be reviewed. In just six or eight weeks I should receive my letter from the Division of Motor vehicles. If they accept my application I will be entered into the state lottery and have a chance at being able to purchase my first car. In fact, if I place high enough in the lottery, I could have a car shipped before the end of the year. Now that all of our cars come from China I’ll have to wait a little extra for the container to come in. Of course, car buying certificates are awarded to party members and according to need first.

My timing couldn’t be better because I read online that for the first time since the government took over the production of automobiles after the depression; the new model cars would be available in one extra color in addition to the standard issue black or white.

Now that I’ve been admitted into the state funded college program, I can use the car to get back and forth. I really don’t like the idea of going to college, but now that’s its mandatory and free, I might as well milk it for everything its worth. Under the government’s new “No Adult Left Behind program”, I get a 100% free ride for the next 4 years. The taxpayers pick up the tab for my college education, housing, and expenses.(and partying) I’d be a fool not to take that free ride. Hey..it sure beats having to work for a living like my old man had to do all his life.

My dad lost his job during the recession. He worked for one of the large banks that went under because of a bad real estate portfolio. Well, after the government nationalized the banking system they offered him some bail out money and of course he bailed out. Now the old man just waits by the mail box around the first of every month and he gets his government stimulus check. I’m not really sure what they are stimulating, but heck, its free money.

My dad used to make a lot of money with the bank, but we have learned to live on a lot less. It initially took my parents some time to fully understand and appreciate the new system. They weren’t used to having their efforts and wealth “re-distributed”, but I think this Socialism stuff really makes sense. This way everyone has access to the same education, health care, and social services. It does away with the upper class and the lower class and everyone joins the middle class.

It’s really not that hard once you understand all the government programs that are offered. We applied to the fair housing administration and now have our mortgage paid in full each month. Also, as a non working family of 4 we are entitled to food stamps to make sure we get proper nutrition. Ever since the president signed a bill that allowed congress to regulate and oversee all banking transactions, they are in a position to better determine the needs of their citizens. Let’s say a doctor refuses to treat his pre-determined share of non-paying patients, well then the government can simply put a freeze on his bank account until he “sees the light”. I mean, how else could we provide free universal health care? So what if we have to wait months or years for a much needed procedure or surgery. Did I mention its free? Everyone has to make some sacrifices you know,

It’s hard not to be excited, especially since the government recently issued my family a passport to be able to move from Michigan to Florida. I’m very grateful to live in such a great country. With the proper paperwork in place I can travel freely between states, as long as I check in with the state border patrol and the local authorities, so that they will know my whereabouts. (I’d tell them were I was anyway because how else would they know where to send my welfare check every month)

I read in the paper today that authorities expect the crime rate to go down in a few more years, since we banned the private ownership of firearms. The crime rate has actually gone up quite a bit in my state but that’s only because the criminal elements just won’t obey the new firearms laws. I’m sure now that the new national police force that now reports directly to the president is in place, law and order will soon prevail.

I think our country is really evolving into a much better place, especially since the government silenced all those outspoken and discontent members of the opposite party and all those conservative radio talk show hosts. There really is no reason for me to be an informed citizen any longer, with one political party, no one really needs to vote any more. I’ve always been too busy to get involved with politics anyway. So for me, I’m going to just keep eating that government cheese. After all…they really do know what’s best for us.

Please feel free to contact me at: pooritalianboy@gmail.com

P.I.B.

BREADLINES

BREAD LINES

I’ve never been known as an alarmist; however I am reaching for the alarm button now. Alright, let’s man up now and admit that we are in a depression. In fact some economist are predicting that this will be the worst economic down turn in 100 years. Now if my math is correct that would include the Great Depression of 1929.

Many people believe that the Great Depression was caused solely by the Stock Market crash on Oct 29th of 1929, but Black Tuesday was more a symptom rather than a cause. Well the stock market today has lost almost half of its value in the last year or so, but that’s just the start of our problems. We now have a major melt down in real estate, business, housing, and manufacturing, topped off with a huge liquidity crunch.

Generally when one segment of our economy takes a dive, there are others that remain very solid. The old saying was that “smart money” would always move to solid ground. Well, ladies and gents, this time is different. Smart Money would move out of stock and into real estate, but real estate is in the crapper also right now. Ok, then smart money should move to business, ahhh you guessed it, most businesses are sucking wind right now also (just ask G.M., Circuit City, Ford, Wachovia Bank, or a host of other previous behemoths.) Well, then smart money would move off shore, except this time the crisis is global.

Let’s take a little stroll down memory lane for a moment, back to the early 30’s. Now, even though most of us are too young to have experienced that time of economic ruin, it left a scar on not only our nation, but on a whole generation of Americans. The previously robust economy took a nose dive that devastated our industry, banking, job base, and stock market. Good, hard working Americans walked the street in search of work. Millions had to take government handouts. It breaks my heart till this day to see pictures of proud people standing in bread lines and soup kitchens for something to eat. It was a terrible and humiliating time, and an experience that I never imagined our country would ever go thru again.

Lets not kid ourselves, the current economic disaster is heading in the same cataclysmic direction. Without a well conceived plan, executed immediately, we will all be in line for government cheese. The government stimulus package must be massive and immediate, however the funds must be well appropriated to create demand and jobs, and not just be a handout. This is not the time to bundle in “Pet Projects” and pork with the purpose of giving favorable treatment to one sector of our constituency. The danger of this government sponsored stimulus package would be to cripple future generations of Americans with a huge debt they can not repay. This situation is not to be taken lightly; this time, it is a world wide meltdown of business, finance, and credit.

Headlines this week announced loss of American jobs climbing to a rate of 500,000, per month. Hold on, maybe you glossed over that fact, yes I said 500,000 more jobless Americans per month, are out of work. This is an unprecedented drop in jobs, and the effect on human lives is horrendous. To add insult to injury the unemployment rate is skyrocketing, and there is no end in sight.

What’s even worse is that most people’s nest eggs, their life savings, investments and “store of wealth” are decimated. The stock market is down from a previous high of 13,900 in July of ‘07 to under 8,000 lately. Millions have lost their investments and young people and old have devastated their retirement funds. It’s particularly challenging for people in their 60’s and 70’s that had relied on those carefully planned retirement accounts to help them survive for the rest of their natural lives.

The government decided to intervene by offering “bail-out money” to large banks and insurance companies. In their wisdom they acted to keep these large institutions afloat. The concern was that if they failed, hundreds of thousands of jobs would be lost, and the American people would loose faith in the banking system. Well, in retrospect, I’m not sure it was a good decision, because soon afterward a long line of business lined up with their proverbial hand out. I can tell you that this kind of interference in the economy is neither art nor science, and the ramifications are not yet known. Being that the government screws up most things they try to fix, don’t be surprised if they don’t mess this up also.

Perhaps, we should have let these businesses fail and let the free marketplace make the adjustments. The banks were given millions in bailout and TARP money so that they in turn could inject liquidity into the housing and business market place. Well, guess what, the banks patched up their wounds, consolidated with other banks and institutions and kept a tight fist on the bulk of the money. Many are using the bailout money as a way to increase their profits rather than as a way to help deserving individuals keep their homes. (While an ever increasing number of Americans loose their houses and businesses each month.)

I’m not trying to place blame here, this is not a partisan political issue and because that will do no good. Was it greed, impropriety, lack of controls, or just an inevitable economic cycle? American capitalism, free enterprise, and home ownership have always been the backbone of our way of life; and now these ideals are threatened. I ask you, what went wrong? Why are honest hard working Americans being thrown into financial turmoil and many are loosing their houses, their business, and their much needed retirement funds? More importantly .. how will we get the economy back on the right track. Don’t let anyone kid you, it’s going to be a while.

Please feel free to contact me at: pooritalianboy@gmail.com

P.I.B.

LETTERS FROM A POOR ITALIAN BOY

LETTERS FROM A POOR ITALIAN BOY

LETTER#1: The Bailout

Dear Mr. President: This week, I watched with great interest and dismay as the congress passed a bailout law for many of the large banks, insurance companies, and financial institutions this week. (along with the tax relief bill for makers of wooden arrows) You have to forgive me, because I’m not as worldly as you and your friends in Washington. (and I actually work for a living) So, please help me out here with a few items I just don’t understand.

The way I see it, these big financial guys are some greedy bastards. They suck up huge windfall profits when times are good and come crying with their hands out when things go wrong. They made bad decisions, wrote bad loans, based on bad appraisals, and leveraged both themselves and the average home owner to the point of no return. They forgot about prudent lending practices because the money was coming in so quick, that they needed to get “their share”. And aren’t these the same suit wearing and calculator thumping bankers that would charge a borrower exorbitant interest rates and punitive penalties, if he was ever a day late on a payment ? The same guys that would tow a man’s work truck away if he missed a monthly payment, and lecture him on basic economics.

Ok, so here is where I really need your help understanding…..Now, all of a sudden these “Wonders of Wall Street” have gotten in over their heads and suddenly its up to Joe Six Pack and the rest of the American Tax payers (and our grandchildren) to help “Bail” them out ? (with our hard earned tax dollars)..because it will be good for the country…

Well, I sure don’t see the logic in that move but, if that’s the way the game is played, I’d like to ask for a little bail-out for myself. You see, I don’t have any money in my account, because I spent it all on booze, wild women, and alimony payments, and now I’m broke. (I wouldn’t bother you, if I had just wasted the money). I have a stack of “final notice” letters on the kitchen table that would choke a horse, the fridge is empty, I’m out of beer and cigarettes, and the bill collectors are ringing the phone off the hook and knocking my door down. Not only that, but it’s costing me half my paycheck just to fill up the old pick up truck, cauz gas is over $4.00 a gallon.

Being that you guy’s all saw fit to bail-out the big boys to the tune of almost a trillion dollars, then I figured you’d be more than happy to send a little cash my way. I went thru the problem of adding up my bills (I can provide a copy of the adding machine tape, if needed), and figure if you just send me $142,562.57 I can sneak by for a while. Once I get the money, I’ll be sure to recommend your services to all my friends that own small businesses and that can not make payroll. They can all use a bailout also. Remember, tax payers are people too.

Ps: Please send cash (In Unmarked Bills) directly to my home, because I just can’t trust those flim-flam man bankers anymore. I have included a self addressed return envelope, and I even sprung for the stamp.

P.I.B.

IT'S "NOT" A RECESSION ?

IT’S “NOT” A RECESSION ?

OK, all right all ready, it’s not a recession. At least that’s what the politicians want me to believe. Forget about what you see and hear, things are fine. People out of work?, They are probably just lazy. The price of gasoline over four dollars a gallon, its just supply and demand at work. Your house has lost 50% of its value…that’s what is known as a correction.

Things are fine, its just a cycle, most areas of the country are fine, nothing to worry about…bullshit.. People are hurting, people are losing their jobs, their homes, and their ability to borrow money. We are in a recession and it wouldn’t take much to have us heading towards a depression.

Come on, open up your eyes. Real estate is in the shitter, mortgage defaults are at a record high, and many workers have been let go, or had their hours and income severely cut back. In the meantime, food prices and other essential commodities continue to rise in price due to inflation and strong international demand. Yes, we are part of a world market, and many developing countries are booming, and their insatiable demand is driving up the price of everything from steel to oil.

We had better own up to the current economic situation and start working our way out of it, but quick. Congress passed an economic stimulus package, giving taxpayers back a few hundred dollars of the own money, in hopes that everyone would go out and buy something, thereby stimulating the economy. Good thought, but the few hundred bucks was like a fart in a wind storm.

We need to cut the price of fuel, which is driving up the cost of most other commodities in the form of higher trucking and transportation costs, not to mention punishing the average Joe at the gas station, a few times a week. I see people at the gas station putting in $5 and $10 worth of fuel, when it takes $60 to $100 to fill up most cars and trucks. Ten dollars worth is about enough to drive back home and return to the gas station again. How, about taking off all the road use taxes imposed on each gallon of gasoline for starters. (wow….don’t I know anything….how will the government recover those lost revenues….how about tightening your darn belt and making due with what you’ve got, like the rest of us)

We need to place tax incentives on the buying and selling of a primary residences( notice, I said primary residence. your home…not an investment property). Once we move thru the current inventory of real estate on the market we can start building and moving forward again. Also, we need to reduce or curtail foreign aid for a while. Hey, a lot of Americans could use some “foreign aide” right now. Let’s start our giving, a little closer to home, until we get things back on track.

I understand that the economy may move in 7 year cycles, but people need to eat everyday, and mortgages need to be paid every month. Very few people have the financial wherewithal to withstand an economic cycle. Most people don’t want a handout or anything for free. People pay taxes year in and year out. Sales tax, income tax, inheritance tax, alternative minimum tax, fuel tax, and real estate tax just to name a few. How about the taxing authorities escrow a portion of these funds (instead of spending very dime, plus some), and help out those in need during these “down cycles”.

I realize tax breaks and programs cost money and are contrary to “pure market driven economics”, however I think it’s ignoring reality to insist on this Pure interpretation of economics, when we vary so widely on other financial and economic issues.

Ok, this is a great country and we will work thru this “correction”. Supply and demand will bring pricing back into line, and our work force will once again get back to a high productivity rate. But in the mean time, lets all try to acknowledge the hardships that these times inflict on the American people.

MONEY, MONEY, MONEY

MONEY, MONEY, MONEY

Money, everybody needs it. We work for it, we save it, we spend it. There never seems to be enough of it. And for some, it seems to come a lot easier than others.

The bible says, the love of money is the root of all evil. Money is nothing more than a store of wealth. It has taken on many forms over the years and around the world. From shells (wampum…how much for Long Island..keep the change), to Gold and silver, and then coins made of these metals. As time went on the actual precious metal content of these coins decreased, replaced by a less valuable substitute. Coins were followed by paper bills that represented actual supplies of gold and silver(demand notes), that you could hypothetically turn in for actual silver or gold.(secreted away in the vaults of Fort Knox)

From demand notes we moved to largely worthless pieces of paper or “fiat money” (I wonder if that means Fiat makes it….no actually its money that is not backed by reserves of another commodity ) that represent value.(what’s know in the let’s pretend world as “legal tender”.)

Of course only the government and the federal reserve can print money (legally, that is). I love that, Abracadabra…wam bam. .this piece of paper and ink is now a hundred dollar bill. What a gimmick, I wish I could get in on that action. Little low on dough, short on the rent, car payment due, or just need more jack, ..no problemo…just crank up the old printing press and let ‘er roll.

I for one, will be glad to see paper money and coins go the way of the dinosaurs. Who wants to carry around soiled pieces of paper that have touched thousands of hands and, who knows what else. Not only that, a penny, a quarter, a dollar, really don’t even buy anything anymore. You gott’a carry around a stack of them just to buy a gallon of gas.

I guess as a form of payment goes, the whole money thing is more efficient than the old barter system. I mean, could you just see the mess at the toll booth on the interstate, with all the guys outside their little booths getting haircuts, shoe shines, backrubs, dental care and who knows what else. (sometimes I think some of that is going on now, when I’m stuck 20 cars back in the toll line)

We then moved into the electronic money era with paper checks. Now, this was about as close as I got to printing my own money. You can write a check, float a check, stop a check, mail a check.(the check is in the mail) The beauty of the thing is, the poor fellow you issued it do, never quite knew if it was good until after the transaction. “How much is that house my man…an entirely fair price…I will just stroke you a check…by the way, how do you spell Million.. Anyway, it was just too much paper to move around, process, and account for.

Most recently there is a trend that even our old faithful paper money and checks are falling into disuse, as the plastic credit card is now widely used. I’ve got the gold card, the silver card, the platinum card, and the black card…but the truth be known, its still just a piece of plastic. Just a quick swipe and you are on your way, what could be easier. (note: women are particularly adept at this swiping maneuver, they seem to do it with such speed and flourish). But its just a little piece of plastic, you say…but that’s ok..as long as we all believe its money.

This ushered in the age of plastic. As good as credit cards are, they say that our plastic will soon be a thing of the past also, as we get a chip embedded under our skin that uses RFID or Radio Frequency Identification Technology to issue our payments as we walk past
scanners in grocery stores. The downside is, there goes your privacy. Big Brother will know every move you make.

The new money will be entirely electronic, and at that point I see us going to “OWC”..or One World Currency. The other by product of the electronic and instantaneous money will be “no Float”. The instant you make a transaction, and your account is accessed….say bye-by…your funds are gone.

So basically what it comes down to is: money is what we all believe money is. (or money is what money does) It represents a store of value, that other members of society acknowledge as a medium of trade. It also represents our knowledge, our labor, and our savings. I’m thinking of starting my own underground economy, if I can just convince everyone else that my collection of baseball cards are money

P.I.B.

OUTT'A GAS

OUTT’A GAS

T.G.I.F. ..thank God its Friday, I can finally run the pick up down to the gas station and fill ‘er up.(or at least get ¾’s of a tank). I’ve planned ahead and already endorsed my paycheck.. “Pay to the order of Shell gas”.

I’m not quite sure when it happened but gas is now pushing four dollars a gallon. Now, I’m not real good at higher math but $4.00 per gallon times 25 gallons, sure shoots the hell out of a hundred dollar bill. And that’s self serve. I’m told $4.00/gallon is a fair price, hey, oil companies deserve to make a profit too. As a matter of fact Exxon last year squeaked by with a poultry 40.61 billion in profit (yes I said Billion). And it appears to be struggling along this year with a mere 11.7 billion in profit in the first quarter alone. That’s banking $1,300 per second in pure profit (even the best lawyers and hookers don’t make that much).

Also, am I the only one that can’t understand why gasoline companies charge the extra “9” on each gallon ?(maybe they’d only make $1,299 dollars per second without it) I mean, I could see using that transparent technique when gas was 29.9 a gallon, but now…give me a break . What if other businesses tried that scam….I could just see the menu at Luigies Pizza Shack….18” pepperoni pizza….$17.99 “9”.

Now, I’m not cheap, but at these prices you’d better believe I’m not wasting one drop of that stuff. As a matter of fact, when that digital read out hits 99.99 dollars, I’m lett’in go of that pump handle like a snake bit me. To make sure I’m getting my money’s worth, after I click that baby off, I climb up on the truck, with the hose held over my head and gravity feed every drop of that gas in the hose back into my tank.

To make matter worse, I noticed on line that oil is now $ 126 /per barrel for “light sweet crude” ( sounds almost edible doesn’t it), and may go up to $200 /per barrel. The worst thing is that those prices don’t include another war in the middle east. Do you have any idea what that little complication will do to the already fussy math, they use to figure gas prices.

A lot of people are worried. In fact, I’ve even heard that 7-11 has a contingency plan and will be removing their gas pumps and make their customers come in side to buy their gas by the quart. They will have it available in fancy glass bottles, individually labeled, on the wine rack.(ahh…Château Texas, 1000 B.C…a very good year). And if the price goes over $200 barrel…they will change the name from “sweet crude” to Eau De Toilette spray, and sell it by the once in fine crystal bottles, in the perfume isle.

I don’t know about you but it’s getting to where I can’t afford to drive around anymore. I’ve made up my mind, I’m selling my second car, and buying a moped, roller skates, a few good pair of sneakers, and a unicyle. Then I’m setting up my pick-me -up to run on a combination of “alternative fuels” and good old fashioned muscle power.

I’ve determined that now that the gas price has surpassed the minimum wage, it’s cheaper for me to get the neighborhood kids to help push the truck around. (don’t worry, I let them ride on the downhill portions of the trip). I’ve also had to revert back to my high school days and my New Jersey fill’in station (8’fuel siphon tube)

Well, maybe it will take going to a few extremes, before we decide to dig in the Gulf or in ANWR (Arctic National Wildlife Refuge). The last thing I want to do is to piss off the environmentalist, and I’m only speaking for myself here, but I can get by with a few less Polar bears and Florida grouper, if it means me riding, rather than walking.(I’ll beep when I drive by the zoo)

Hey, I’m loosing speed here, what’s up…“Keep push’in kids, and put some back into it..we’re almost home”

P.I.B.