VIRUS

VIRUS

Wow…When I was a kid getting a flu or a virus meant a few days off of schools, some chicken soup, and some quality daytime television watching. What a difference a few years makes (ok,,I’m being generous here). Anyway in today’s jargon, if you catch a flu or Virus it’s usually something a lot more substantial like Bird Flu, Swine Flu, Hong Kong Flu, or even the dreaded computer virus.

I really not sure how the whole computer virus thing works but I’ve heard from the experts that when you hook up a brand new computer to the internet you can “catch” a virus within the first few minutes. So, just to put this whole thing into prospective, if you simply click on that old internet icon on your computer and access the world wide web, your computer will be infected with malicious software. (I wonder if Al Gore ever thought this would happen to his internet) Surprisingly these intrusions into your computers files, memory, and hard drives are not a new occurrence. It seems that there has been malicious software out there since the first IBM computers linked together into networks, or accessed the internet.

Just like that, out of millions of possible users that are on the internet at that very moment, the minute I jump into the pool, even in the shallow end, I get attacked. Where the hell do these things come from ? Who would stand to gain by screwing with my new Dell laptop ? Must be a group of sick individuals for sure. I mean what does a hacker benefit from writing all that useless code just to crash the computer of a person he doesn’t even know. What’s the gratification? There are your garden variety viruses and other intrusions along with, Trojan horses, spyware, bots, phishing, spam, Malware, and Worms (along with hundreds of other insects and creations of the binary underworld)

Well, if that’s the case, and the digital black plague is just waiting for another unsuspecting new user to stick his proverbial xxx into the internet waters, how in the world do we protect ourselves? My last computer was totally ruined by this stuff. (ok, perhaps I inadvertently visited a few questionable sites) So, I go out and buy a brand new laptop with all the latest bells and whistles. I even bought the special heavy duty antivirus software and firewall that the guy at the computer place recommended.

So anyway, I get home and I’m excited about using my new computer. I can’t wait to get the latest updates on American Idol and the new radar pictures from the weather channel. This time I have taken every precaution to avoid catching a virus, I’ve created a sterile environment. So there I sit, new computer fired up, firewall installed and working, hands washed, condom on, Lysol ready, Nyquil on standby, and wearing a 2 micron surgical mask. Nothing can stop me now, I’m on my way to a perfect internet experience.

Three, two , one.. Hello world wide web, meet your newest visitor. So, I’m greeted by my Google search page and quickly type in “ Michelle Obama .. latest outfit”. Well, wouldn’t you know it my browser was diverted to some other web site selling florescent light bulbs. From there, my computer automatically brings up another random web site and then another. My hard drive begins a steady humming noise that quickly accelerates to warp speed and has my whole desk shaking from the vibrations. In a desperate attempt to regain control of my computer I try hitting the Escape key, followed by the old standby “Alt/Control/Delete combo without results. I also try clicking with my mouse to no avail, Not sure what to do and in a final act of disgust I press the power off button on my CPU. The hard drive only spins faster, almost in defiance of my command to shut off, I find myself wondering if this thing is possessed. ( I’d like to think I’m the king in my own house and I hate when one of my household appliances acts defiant with me. My vacuum and T.V. never give me problems like this) I finally yank the power cord out of the wall in a desperate attempt to turn the darn thing off. At this point, I’m not sure if I should call Dell support or an exorcist.

Of course you can down load or purchase any number of Anti-Virus software, and then pay on- going fees to make sure you always have the most up to date definitions. (makes me wonder if half the company is developing these poisonous viruses and the other half selling the rest of us the antidote. A quick look in the History and Quarantine section of your anti-virus software will reveal that they are worth the money. It’s not unusual to see the software block several improper entries in a short time span. It doesn’t even matter if you are using your computer or not, as long as you have cable internet service that stays on all the time.

There are also some free or shareware versions available for down load, but be careful. From time you time you will see a “Pop-Up ad” appear on your screen offering to speed up your computer and inoculate you from incoming viruses. The problem is that when you click on some of them, you are actually infecting your computer with a virus. (who hasn’t witness the shoot the moving monkey pop up)

As inconvenient as it may be, it seems like we will have to learn to deal with this newest intrusion into our lives. I guess in the end it’s just like flying by commercial carrier. You can still get to where you want to go, but it’s going to cost more and you’ll have to go thru security.

Please feel free to contact me at: pooritalianboy@gmail.com

P.I.B.

THE INTERNET

THE INTERNET

WWW.Theinternet.pib …The Internet is such a powerful force in our lives that, even my word processor automatically highlighted, underlined, and created an internet link to ,the first few words of this article. I actually changed the ending from .com to .pib out of concern that if someone clicked on the link, it might take them to some exotic porn site that I had no intention of directing my fine readers to. ( I on the other hand.. ok, forget it).

In any case, ever since Al Gore (?) invented the internet, most likely as some type of research tool, the world wide web has grown in leaps and bounds. I’ve seen estimates of between 600 million and billion computers. The internet is such a powerful force in our lives that the lexicon has become part of everyday conversation.

There is so much information on the internet that I’m not sure we could even navigate it without the use of search engines like goggle, yahoo, etc. These powerful search and indexing tools instantly search thru millions of documents, photos, and images and return the results to us in only a few seconds. I’m always amazed that whatever search words (regardless of how unusual the request) I enter always return a substantial list for my review. The other day I tried to play “stump the internet”(to then tune of jeopardy music). I went directly to my favorite search engine and began typing in the most unusual and twisted combination of words I could think of (only a few of these are suitable for printing in the scope of this article). My list included bananas, hub caps, English saddles, baby bumpers, spatulas, bobby pins, chopsticks, engine mounts, and gefilte fish . Here are a few completely random search terms with the actual number of web sites returned.

Space Monkey 658,000 returns
Psychedelic experience 452,000 returns
6 legged animal 2,440,000 returns
Coffee enema 1,300,000 returns
Diamond rings no returns, no refunds…. (cauz diamonds are forever)

Is it just me, or have you noticed that you really can’t get any free information on the internet anymore. Every site you go to is really trying to sell you something. They want you to become a member, give them your credit card number, or go to their on line store. Worse yet, every site wants you to “register”. I brought up the weather site today to see if was going to rain and they wanted me to create a user name and secret 12 digit password..(see my article on passwords). Come on now, is the frik’in weather forecast such highly classified information that I have to create a secret password to even see it. (give me a break)

Another thing that pisses me off is “pop up ads”. I’m in a rush, and I want to check what’s playing at the movies, so I type in the movie site and the next thing I know a big pop up ad, for Dial Soap pops up. I don’t want soap, I just want to know when Rambo starts. Every time I move my cursor, the darn thing starts moving around then screen so that I can’t see any of the page. The pop up is playing hide and seek with me, so I hit the down arrow and the obstruction moves down with the whole page. Talk about killing my ego. Now, I’m trying to out smart a floating bar of soap. Some of the pop ups have deceptive ways to lure you to their respective websites, like put the cross hairs on the jumping monkey (who can resist that one), or the seemingly realistic “x” box, that you click on to close the pop up window, but it actually brings you to their website (www.don’t youfeellike a jackassnow.com)

I guess all these interruptions to my web surfing are just part of the price I have to pay to use the internet. But the one I probably hate the most is when I go to a site (lets say an educational site, for the purpose of this article) and I get sucked into this endless loop of undesirable web sites. Its like the voice mail loops on the phone, once you enter, you can’t get out. I frantically hit the back arrow and refresh buttons, the close screen button, the delete button and various but useless clicks on the mouse, but I only get tangled even deeper into the web (ahh..dual meaning)

I can remember when getting a virus, required a trip to the doctor. Today, if you get a virus, its probably on your computer. My computer guy tells me that the minute you first connect to the internet you will probably catch a virus. As if my life is not complicated enough, now I have to have protection before I touch my keyboard, (I’ve gone to wearing latex gloves) or I have to abstain from web surfing. (I’m not good at self-denial type things). I try to be a cautious and responsible internet user, I even have a condom over my cable connection. (or I use the timing method) But seriously, I don’t get it, what’s the purpose of some jackass creating a virus. I mean, what kind of sick bastard sits up all night writing code that goes out and cripples millions of people’s hard drives. I’m not much into conspiracy theories, but who can possibly benefit from it except the guys that sell the anti-virus software ? Talk about a communicable disease? I guess if you think about it, once you connect to the internet you can catch anything that about 4 billion other computers have. It’s kind of like a STD for your computer. (good thing I’m a loyal,one computer, kind of guy)

The internet also, somehow helps satisfy man’s need to be interconnected with the rest of his world. This need is manifest in web sites such as U-Tube, My Space, and many of the blog sites. Hey, I’ve written over 80 blog articles and I’m not even sure who reads them,(except for the complaint mail) however it helps fulfill my desire to reach out and communicate (although I would prefer to just sell you some useless gimmicks and fleece your bank account) The world wide web is also a great tool for commerce, communication, research and disseminating information in general. Although the internet has many positive uses it also can serve as a tremendous drain on productivity in the workforce. Many experts point out that productivity in the American work force has been reduced by at least 10% as internet savvy workers spend an increasing amount of non work related time surfing the web. A causal observation around the average office will reveal many workers at their desks, checking the news, paying bills, checking the weather or their private e-mail accounts, listening to internet radio or viewing streaming video.

Anyway, I love the internet and I hope it stays around for a long time. After all, if it weren’t for the internet, you probably wouldn’t be reading my article now (unless you wanted to send me $19.95 plus shipping and handling, that is.(ya tight wad)

P.I.B