SMILE- YOUR ON CANDID CAMERA

SMILE- YOU’RE ON CANDID CAMERA

Its long been known that the government and more particularly the alphabet soup agencies (C.I.A, F.B.I., D.E.A and other assorted spooks) have had the use of advanced satellite picture technology, for some time now. Up until now it’s not been a hot topic of conversation, because quite frankly, the exact capabilities of the system, has been a matter of national security.

I don’t believe that many of our adversaries are still clueless about our ability to “zoom” in on their activities (that’s why many have resorted back to cave dwelling). We have aerial surveillance in the form of high flying aircraft, hand launched mini planes, and even pilot less drones. But the real workhorses are the new satellites in 24 hour geosynchronous orbit above the earth.

Most of this technology was developed by the government for military purposes, however they also rent time on a commercial satellites. Increasingly, the gap has been bridged to additional commercial use. (although, the government restricts the resolution and timeliness of the photo’s that can be used commercially). Most notable among these would be the GeoEye/Google earth satellite.

There are tons of legitimate uses for these hi-res pictures from space including mapping, exploration, storm tracking and research. We can measure ocean temperatures, crop growth, and even ice pack movements from space. The current resolution available for commercial use is 61 mm. Also, industry is prohibited from making recent or current photos available as well as photos of sensitive government and military areas, bases, etc. However the government user can purportedly zoom in to 10mm or less, making facial identification possible from the depth of space. Its said they can read a newspaper from orbit (might be cheaper to drop 50 cents in the newsbox) We’ve come a long way since the U-2 spy planes we once flew over Russia and the relatively crude photo intelligence available to us during the Cuban Missile Crisis.

My feeling is, like any great technology, this giant Kodak in the sky arrangement has the potential for misuse. It also seems like we always find a way to use new technology in some type of military application. As more and more government agencies get access to this technology I can see the IRS and local dog catcher getting in on the act. (Hey Mr, PoorItalianboy..we have irrefutable space photo evidence that your Doberman just took a dump on the city sidewalk. We are sending you a bill...Have a nice day).

Ok, I know you think I’m exaggerating, but where does this Peeping Tom stuff stop. Google Maps is also using this know how to add unprecedented detail to their road maps. They can layer road maps with satellite images and now add street level photos. I typed in my home address the other day and was able to zoom in on a rather current image of my own house. The image magnification and clarity was so advanced that I could not only see my garage door open, but also look inside. (so, if any of you readers wanted to see me pump’in out sets on my bowflex that is possible…its also know as an invasion of privacy). With the definition of: what a reasonable man would expect the general public not to see).

All kidding aside, I think we may be at the threshold of some major issues here. Has technology and the government’s need to know excerpted the citizen right for privacy ? Also, with this billion dollar technology available to the average Joe,(and the average Taliban Joe), at the click of a mouse, are we providing hi-tech intel and aid to those that might wish to harm us ? An even bigger question might be: “Just because we have a technology available to us, does that make its use moral, correct, or acceptable ?

My assumption would be that newer, more advanced and possibly more intrusive and invasive technologies are on the horizon. Does our very development of these new breakthroughs, authorize and condone our use of them ? If so, where do we stop ? To be honest with you, I thought our purpose for going into space was to look out, not to look in. Talk about the saying “ You can run, but you can’t hide”.
Smile, It’s a small world….. after all.

P.I.B.

STUPID HUMAN TRICKS

STUPID HUMAN TRICKS

Most people I know are pretty darn smart. They run businesses, make good money, did well in college and have even made some good investments. So, my question is, If we are all so smart, why do we do stupid things? Who hasn’t walked into a door, locked their car with the engine running, or answered “yes” when their wife or girl friend asked if they looked fat in a dress.

I know what you’re saying to your self, I don’t do stupid things. But the truth is, we all have our moments. Sometimes we even question ourselves before we do stupid things, but eventually give into the overwhelming urge to defy logic. So, I guess what I’m saying is, that all the people are not stupid all of the time, but some of the people are stupid some of the time. Which leads me to ask: Are instances of stupidity random and impulsive acts, or do we all just ride the stupid rollercoaster with its ups and downs.

The dictionary defines STUPID as: “lacking the ordinary quickness and keenness of mind, dull.” As opposed to IGNORANT; “lacking knowledge or information as to a particular subject or fact”.

So, that leads to the question, is stupidity learned or hereditary? (it’s kind of the chicken and the egg kind of thing) And, can it manifest itself in any stage of life.

FIRST: No study of the human condition and psyche would be complete without addressing the study and classification of less than intelligent people, who engage in less than bright actions, or speech: hence the science of Stupidology. Because we all posses, to one degree or another, the stupid gene, the host should not necessarily be confused with an idiot, half-wit, imbecile, dunce, or numskull.

I would have to further separate these inane antics into categories. (and my own semi-medical terms for them) The main ones being: Spontaneous stupidity, which comes completely natural and unrehearsed, and Pre-mediated stupidity, which requires planning and advanced knowledge of your display of stupidity (either singly or severally). Then I further identify these various sub-categories:



1> Stupid things we do, that we truly don’t realize are stupid before hand. These might include putting your hand on the stove for the first time. (or up to 3 times)

2> Stupid things we do because we are not smart enough to know better (could be the
classical definition of stupidity): Like ordering the snails off a French menu

3> Stupid things we do, that we know fully up front are stupid, and we ignore the warnings our brain is sending us ( grand mal clueless). Like trying to leap frog over a moving car.

4> Stupid stunts: pre-planned acts of physical idiocy, that any sane thinking person would realize could only result in great pain and physical jeopardy. These type of stunts mark you as a true dim wit or a writer for the T.V. show jackass. A great example of premeditated stupidity.

5> A.I.S: Alcohol induced stupidity: (or other I.N.S. intelligence numbing substances). Probably responsible for more hair brained acts than all the others combined. Also, due to A.I.S., many an American servicemen came home with the name of an ugly foreign hooker tattooed on his arm

6> Brain farts and other momentary lapses of reasoning: A short disconnect or glitch in an other wise logical behavior. We can sometimes recover from these without alerting everyone in our general vicinity.

Then there are the highest categories. These special designations are reserved for the best of the best, the crème of the crop, the pièces de résistance.

Mega-stupid: A very high level absence of thinking. These practitioners of the art, almost appear brilliant or savant like, in the intricate level of nonsensical thinking they can achieve. A person almost has to train themselves to reach this level of brainlessness.

Quantum stupidity: (quantum: a giant leap) Ahhh those lucky few, they can only salt in a mere smattering of logic or clear thinking in a veritable sea of foolishness. This is exemplified by the bank robber who writes his demand for money on the back of an envelope addressed to himself. This behavior is often found in the criminal world.

And last but not least: Terminal Stupidity: a massive and overwhelming lack of thought and reasoning, exhibited by those deeply and irreversibly afflicted with Stupidism. I’m not even sure if a lobotomy could offer any relief.

These are reflections based on people I somehow come into contact with. I think I have covered all the major aliments in the genre, but, who knows, some one could be reaching new and previously thought unattainable levels of stupidity as I write this article.

I guess, at the end of the day, what one man considers stupid may be routine, exciting, or even mundane to another. With just a little thought (and a few keywords typed into u-tube) I would have to place the following activities at the top of my list:

Parachute jumping, stunts that all but assure great bodily harm, drinking games, mountain climbing, bungi cord jumping (especially as part of a wedding ceremony), demolition derbies, car hood surfing, backyard extreme wrestling (believing in real wrestling), crash diets, sink or swim nights at the local bar, and arguing with our wife on those special days.

Remember: “Stupid Is, as Stupid does”

P.I.B.

THE INTERNET

THE INTERNET

WWW.Theinternet.pib …The Internet is such a powerful force in our lives that, even my word processor automatically highlighted, underlined, and created an internet link to ,the first few words of this article. I actually changed the ending from .com to .pib out of concern that if someone clicked on the link, it might take them to some exotic porn site that I had no intention of directing my fine readers to. ( I on the other hand.. ok, forget it).

In any case, ever since Al Gore (?) invented the internet, most likely as some type of research tool, the world wide web has grown in leaps and bounds. I’ve seen estimates of between 600 million and billion computers. The internet is such a powerful force in our lives that the lexicon has become part of everyday conversation.

There is so much information on the internet that I’m not sure we could even navigate it without the use of search engines like goggle, yahoo, etc. These powerful search and indexing tools instantly search thru millions of documents, photos, and images and return the results to us in only a few seconds. I’m always amazed that whatever search words (regardless of how unusual the request) I enter always return a substantial list for my review. The other day I tried to play “stump the internet”(to then tune of jeopardy music). I went directly to my favorite search engine and began typing in the most unusual and twisted combination of words I could think of (only a few of these are suitable for printing in the scope of this article). My list included bananas, hub caps, English saddles, baby bumpers, spatulas, bobby pins, chopsticks, engine mounts, and gefilte fish . Here are a few completely random search terms with the actual number of web sites returned.

Space Monkey 658,000 returns
Psychedelic experience 452,000 returns
6 legged animal 2,440,000 returns
Coffee enema 1,300,000 returns
Diamond rings no returns, no refunds…. (cauz diamonds are forever)

Is it just me, or have you noticed that you really can’t get any free information on the internet anymore. Every site you go to is really trying to sell you something. They want you to become a member, give them your credit card number, or go to their on line store. Worse yet, every site wants you to “register”. I brought up the weather site today to see if was going to rain and they wanted me to create a user name and secret 12 digit password..(see my article on passwords). Come on now, is the frik’in weather forecast such highly classified information that I have to create a secret password to even see it. (give me a break)

Another thing that pisses me off is “pop up ads”. I’m in a rush, and I want to check what’s playing at the movies, so I type in the movie site and the next thing I know a big pop up ad, for Dial Soap pops up. I don’t want soap, I just want to know when Rambo starts. Every time I move my cursor, the darn thing starts moving around then screen so that I can’t see any of the page. The pop up is playing hide and seek with me, so I hit the down arrow and the obstruction moves down with the whole page. Talk about killing my ego. Now, I’m trying to out smart a floating bar of soap. Some of the pop ups have deceptive ways to lure you to their respective websites, like put the cross hairs on the jumping monkey (who can resist that one), or the seemingly realistic “x” box, that you click on to close the pop up window, but it actually brings you to their website (www.don’t youfeellike a jackassnow.com)

I guess all these interruptions to my web surfing are just part of the price I have to pay to use the internet. But the one I probably hate the most is when I go to a site (lets say an educational site, for the purpose of this article) and I get sucked into this endless loop of undesirable web sites. Its like the voice mail loops on the phone, once you enter, you can’t get out. I frantically hit the back arrow and refresh buttons, the close screen button, the delete button and various but useless clicks on the mouse, but I only get tangled even deeper into the web (ahh..dual meaning)

I can remember when getting a virus, required a trip to the doctor. Today, if you get a virus, its probably on your computer. My computer guy tells me that the minute you first connect to the internet you will probably catch a virus. As if my life is not complicated enough, now I have to have protection before I touch my keyboard, (I’ve gone to wearing latex gloves) or I have to abstain from web surfing. (I’m not good at self-denial type things). I try to be a cautious and responsible internet user, I even have a condom over my cable connection. (or I use the timing method) But seriously, I don’t get it, what’s the purpose of some jackass creating a virus. I mean, what kind of sick bastard sits up all night writing code that goes out and cripples millions of people’s hard drives. I’m not much into conspiracy theories, but who can possibly benefit from it except the guys that sell the anti-virus software ? Talk about a communicable disease? I guess if you think about it, once you connect to the internet you can catch anything that about 4 billion other computers have. It’s kind of like a STD for your computer. (good thing I’m a loyal,one computer, kind of guy)

The internet also, somehow helps satisfy man’s need to be interconnected with the rest of his world. This need is manifest in web sites such as U-Tube, My Space, and many of the blog sites. Hey, I’ve written over 80 blog articles and I’m not even sure who reads them,(except for the complaint mail) however it helps fulfill my desire to reach out and communicate (although I would prefer to just sell you some useless gimmicks and fleece your bank account) The world wide web is also a great tool for commerce, communication, research and disseminating information in general. Although the internet has many positive uses it also can serve as a tremendous drain on productivity in the workforce. Many experts point out that productivity in the American work force has been reduced by at least 10% as internet savvy workers spend an increasing amount of non work related time surfing the web. A causal observation around the average office will reveal many workers at their desks, checking the news, paying bills, checking the weather or their private e-mail accounts, listening to internet radio or viewing streaming video.

Anyway, I love the internet and I hope it stays around for a long time. After all, if it weren’t for the internet, you probably wouldn’t be reading my article now (unless you wanted to send me $19.95 plus shipping and handling, that is.(ya tight wad)

P.I.B

AIRPORT

AIRPORT

I seem to need to travel way more than I really want to lately. I have a rule, if the trip can be made by car in 5 hours or less, I’m driving, that’s all there is to it. That way, I’m the pilot, and I can leave when the heck I want. However, If the trip requires 5 hours or more, I’m usually booking a flight.

I think by now my car knows its way to the airport on auto pilot, and I hate airport travel days. They usually start off with me having to get up at o’dark thirty to get ready. Then I have a one hour drive to the airport, but of course I need to be there 2 hours early so that I can get go thru “security”. So the night before I always find my self doing that special airport reverse math. Let’s see…If my plane leaves at 7A.M. then I have to be there 2 hours early. Now allowing for a one hour drive to the airport and an hour to get ready, then I have to set my alarm for 3 A.M….hold on a minute here...wait…Let me do that math again…I was going to pack in the morning…

As you approach the airport traffic slows down to a crawl as you merge in with all the other idiots that had to get up a 3:30am so they could “make it on time”. Now your putting along at a good 5 mph, with all the excitement of a slow speed O.J. Chase, behind all the old farts deciding which lane they really want to be in. It usually takes a few minutes to find a spot in long term parking. Long term parking is an anachronism for “the next town over”, but don’t forget to bring a separate bank roll to pay the man in the booth that has your car hostage. Just be ready to re-mortgage the house, when you try to leave the parking area after your trip. Then you have to take a mini-trip on some type of bus, train, tram, or circus animal to get to the “main terminal”.

Ok, so now you’ve finally reached the main terminal after several hours of your trip or vacation and you have to go thru the cattle pens at the ticket counter. I don’t really get this part of the ritual, you are forced to stand in line again to get your boarding pass and drop off your luggage. Any, they give you a ticket and send you back packing halfway to the long term parking area to get to your “gate” .. which usually requires another train, or tram trip, a series of elevators, a team of pack mules, and several of those “motorized walkways”, were you are all but guaranteed to catch a communicable disease if you touch the handrail.

But before you can get to your gate you must go thru the security and delousing station. Here you are subjected to showing your ticket and I.D. another dozen times, while you halfway disrobe, and place all that is near and dear to you in disgusting plastic trays, while you walk barefoot on the Dr, Shoals haz-mat and athlete’s foot transmission carpet.

If you are really lucky you will be pulled aside to be “wanded” and striped search or sent thru that special modern day equivalent of a blood hound, the “scratch and sniff machine”. Once inside the machine blows a powerful jet of air on you in the hope of dislodging some forbidden scent. At the same time they are swabbing your carry-ons while busting the latched on your designer luggage.

Wow, what an ordeal, but now you can proceed to your gate where you can wait the remainder of the one hour and 47 minutes till your flight allegedly is to depart. As you stroll past the newsstands the smell of fresh Cinnabons fills your nostrils, you know, you have finally arrived Gate #3. Just as you sit down with your $12.95 Starbucks coffee, you hear an announcement that there has been a gate change and your flight will now be departing from Gate #297, on the other side of the airport. Well you have some time so you stop at the local watering hole for a quick drink or two. Maybe its your lucky day because you sit next to a couple of great looking women and a obviously inebriated guy in uniform and you buy them all a few drinks and really get drunk together…party…party.. only at the airport.

Wow, what kind of sicko starts drinking before breakfast? Anyway, at this point, I’m re-thinking my decision to fly vs. drive. Heck I’ve already walked half the distance to where I was going by now anyway. The only advantage of all this pre-flight activity is the fact that you get to people watch. You get to see, all kinds of people going to all kinds of places, for a wide variety of purposes. There is the business man heading to a meeting with a far off client, the family.. ready for their vacation experience, and the crying baby that you hope doesn’t sit next to you for the 6 hour flight.

Anyway, you now arrive at your new gate, with only minutes to spare before the flight, and as you look out the window, it becomes evident that the most important part of you air travel experience is missing. That’s right, you guessed it.. no airplane…your flight has been delayed because it was raining in Minnesota.

Sure your disappointed, but if you really think about it, it’s just like loosing in Las Vegas, its all part of the game. Besides, no one seems more unhappy about the whole thing than the guy over there sobbing in the corner. As he looks up at you and sheds a small tear, you recognize him from back at the bar, little did you know then, he was your pilot for the trip… Well it’s all part of travel and your fun day at the airport, so sit back, rest a spell, and go ahead and have that Cinnabon you’ve been trying to avoid all morning, your flight has been overbooked anyway.

P.I.B.

WALKING IS AN ART ?

WALKING IS AN ART ?
Who can hold back a smile when we think of a baby taking its first uncertain steps. No, there isn’t anyone that can describe or offer us a shortcut to get us past those first couple of steps and falls. Only a blend of tedious trial and error and patients will allow us to graduate to the world of the walkers.
I recently read that scientist consider the basic act of walking a complex neuromuscular function. We must allow our bodies to gauge the length of the step, the balance, the shifting of our weight. There are literally hundreds of muscle expansions and contractions to both remain upright and propel ourselves.
As kind of a back handed complement Honda, the high tech famous Japanese car manufacturer has been working on a man modeled walking robot for years. After a great deal of research and millions in expenditures they have developed a robot that walks upright and can even climb stairs.
Now given all the above and the fact that most of us seem to eventually get past the baby step stage. I wonder why so many people are so challenged when it comes to just walking in public. In fact, most of us spend the rest of our adult life practicing what we learned in year number one. I’d have to think that the average Joe would be an expert in this whole walking upright thing.
Don’t get me wrong. I love walking, I love to walk the beach, crowded city streets, mountain trails, and gravel roads. I’ve walked the streets and pathways in many great cities here and abroad. New York, Munich, Tokyo, Helsinki, San Francisco, Rome, Buda Pest Toronto, Kowloon Hongkong, and Rahway N.J (ok..don’t hold that one against me) In fact when I visit a city or country I don’t feel like I’ve been there unless I’ve walked around a bit.
Now, one thing I’ve noticed in just about every neighborhood, city, state, and country I’ve been to…it seems that many of the other sidewalk cowboys seem to have a great deal of difficulty in this very basic mode of transportation. I have to admit I get quite frustrated (READ THAT PISSED OFF) when walking behind or trying to walk around many of these adolescent toddlers.
I may be in fact the first astute observer to begin categorizing the walkers into their respective species and sub- categories. Some are only encountered as you walk towards them, some as you walk up behind them, and others just seem to come at you from nowhere. Ok: in no particular order as to the level of frustration I find in each group… here we go for starters. (with Greek translations)
THE 2 OR MORE WIDE WALKING GROUP: they generally can be spotted all holding hands or with lock arms, forming an un-passable road block
THE DRIFTERS: Just as you are trying to go around them they drift off to one side or the other, forcing you into others walkers paths
THE ZIG ZAGGERS: (homo sigzasius) These guys must be NFL fans, they walk the zig zag path and cut back the opposite way when you try to get around them
HEY..I’M WALKING HERE: If you get in my way I’ll bump shoulders with you and not even slow down
THE EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF SHUFFLE: Very similar to the “hey I’m walking here” type, except without the attitude. They are just so focused on themselves they are oblivious to others that are around them
LET’S PLAY CHICKEN: (homo polultrasius) These guys are found walking towards you. They have picked a path and will walk right thru anyone that would make them deviate from it.
SUDDEN START AND STOPS: I think these guys should have a sign, or blinking lights on their ass..They will be walking along at a good pace and then just stop short, as if they just remembered something….(also a back up alarm)
THE SKY GAZERS (homo galaxies) I’m not sure what’s going on up there, but they stare skyward while awkwardly bumping into every 3 person on the sidewalk
GEEZERS: These guys are ok…and they are a protected species by the AARP…its ok for them to walk slow…And they usually have the tennis ball attached to a large antenna so that they can locate each other.
SORRY WAS THAT YOUR FOOT: These guys like to walk on the top of your shoes rather than the sidewalks…
LET’S BLOCK THE SQUEEZE POINTS: I’m not sure if these folks plan to blockage narrow passageways like stairwells, and doorways, but they always decide to congregate in just the wrong spots. (everyone else can just wait)
FROZEN DEER IN THE HEADLIGHT: As you walk up on them, waiting to see what path or direction they will take so that you can avoid them, they just freeze ..like well…a deer in the headlights(also known as sidewalk road kill)
WANNA DANCE: When you come up on a member of the W.D. species, they tend to mirror your walking intentions..If you start going right, they go left, and visa versa ( this sometimes results in a prolonged ritualistic type dance until you can escape them)
ARM SWINGERS: self explanatory…If you walk behind them be sure to keep your distance or cover your vulnerable parts
Well, there is a good start on the list of walkers that piss me off. What kind of walker am I ? I’m really not sure, but probably from the getoutaway lakopatient family.
P.I.B.

GYM RATS

GYM RATS

One of my favorite pastimes is a good work out in the gym. I’ve been going for years now and still enjoy hitting the gym 3 or 4 days a week. I’m not the kind’a guy that goes there to socialize and spend the entire day. I want to get in there, catch my workout, and get out.

I’ve even purposely moved my membership to a smaller and less crowded facility, because I don’t have any patients for what I call the gym rats.

It seems like almost every gym I’ve belonged to or utilized on a trip has the same types of people as members. Here is a list of the major categories (of course there are sub categories also)

The Prema donna: Male or Female: these are the beautiful people, they are well groomed and wear only high fashioned workout gear, that shouts (heh..look at me). I’ve occasionally seen them actually pick up a weight, but for the most part they are content to talk and allow others to see them in work-out like poses.

The Grunts: These physical specimens are either bodybuilders or serious steroid users. They walk around the gym with head phones on, in a constant state of roid rage. They rarely stray very far from the nearest mirror, so they can constantly admire their own bodies. They often lift immense weights but even on light days they make sure their straining sounds and moans are heard across the gym. They are known to liberally dust themselves and their immediate areas with large quantities of caulk dust. Stay out of their way, when they are lifting, or strutting around the gym, with their chest all bowed up.

The Talkers: These guys/girls…really bug me. They hover around a piece of equipment, (monopolizing it) often with their leg up on it, but never seem to use the darn thing. They float from one conversation to the other, and will engage in a lengthy talk with any man, women, or child that happens by.

The Homesteaders: These guys are easily recognizable due to the fact that they seem to “move-in” when using a piece of equipment. They generally spread out all their wares in a 20’ radius (it must be some kind of territorial thing). Among the debris you will usually find: their gym bag, one gallon water jug, beach towel, some type of tuba ware container with foul smelling tuna, a protein drink, their cell phone, wrist wraps, knee brace, and ipod. You might as well move on to the next work station, rather than wait on one of these guys.

The Rester: The rester will actually pump out a good set or two of repetitions but then feel the need to let the entire gym see how truly exhausted they are from their efforts. They will often be found laying prone on the floor, bench, or seat of the equipment and will sometimes mimic the Grunts by making loud noises so that everyone can truly appreciate just how tired and exhausted the are from their last set.

The Walkers: the walkers are a breed that never actually work out. They roam from one side of the gym to the other, and can often be seen analyzing a piece of equipment as if about to use it, but then change their mind and move on to the next station ..often on the other side of the gym.

The Sweater: Hey..everyone perspires when they push their bodies to hard physical exercise, but the sweater takes it to the extreme. From the moment they walk out of the locker room, their work out attire is drenched with sweat. You can easily recognize the sweater, as the humidity in the room actually goes up. You can also tell when you are getting closer to a sweater because the carpet will start getting soggy and each piece of equipment you try to use will have a small pond of water left behind. Caution, the sweater can propel an airborne mist in your direction if you get too close.

The Piglet: Can me male or female: The piglet has the same unwashed workout outfit on since he joined the gym 16 months ago. The piglet also is identified by his propensity to leave all the weights on each machine as he moves about the gym for the 70 year old lady that wants to use the equipment next.

Well, there are other species and sub species of gym rats, but these are the most common ones encountered. If there wasn’t such great people watching at the gym, I think I’d just buy a bow flex machine and work out in my garage.

P.I.B.

OUTT'A GAS

OUTT’A GAS

T.G.I.F. ..thank God its Friday, I can finally run the pick up down to the gas station and fill ‘er up.(or at least get ¾’s of a tank). I’ve planned ahead and already endorsed my paycheck.. “Pay to the order of Shell gas”.

I’m not quite sure when it happened but gas is now pushing four dollars a gallon. Now, I’m not real good at higher math but $4.00 per gallon times 25 gallons, sure shoots the hell out of a hundred dollar bill. And that’s self serve. I’m told $4.00/gallon is a fair price, hey, oil companies deserve to make a profit too. As a matter of fact Exxon last year squeaked by with a poultry 40.61 billion in profit (yes I said Billion). And it appears to be struggling along this year with a mere 11.7 billion in profit in the first quarter alone. That’s banking $1,300 per second in pure profit (even the best lawyers and hookers don’t make that much).

Also, am I the only one that can’t understand why gasoline companies charge the extra “9” on each gallon ?(maybe they’d only make $1,299 dollars per second without it) I mean, I could see using that transparent technique when gas was 29.9 a gallon, but now…give me a break . What if other businesses tried that scam….I could just see the menu at Luigies Pizza Shack….18” pepperoni pizza….$17.99 “9”.

Now, I’m not cheap, but at these prices you’d better believe I’m not wasting one drop of that stuff. As a matter of fact, when that digital read out hits 99.99 dollars, I’m lett’in go of that pump handle like a snake bit me. To make sure I’m getting my money’s worth, after I click that baby off, I climb up on the truck, with the hose held over my head and gravity feed every drop of that gas in the hose back into my tank.

To make matter worse, I noticed on line that oil is now $ 126 /per barrel for “light sweet crude” ( sounds almost edible doesn’t it), and may go up to $200 /per barrel. The worst thing is that those prices don’t include another war in the middle east. Do you have any idea what that little complication will do to the already fussy math, they use to figure gas prices.

A lot of people are worried. In fact, I’ve even heard that 7-11 has a contingency plan and will be removing their gas pumps and make their customers come in side to buy their gas by the quart. They will have it available in fancy glass bottles, individually labeled, on the wine rack.(ahh…Château Texas, 1000 B.C…a very good year). And if the price goes over $200 barrel…they will change the name from “sweet crude” to Eau De Toilette spray, and sell it by the once in fine crystal bottles, in the perfume isle.

I don’t know about you but it’s getting to where I can’t afford to drive around anymore. I’ve made up my mind, I’m selling my second car, and buying a moped, roller skates, a few good pair of sneakers, and a unicyle. Then I’m setting up my pick-me -up to run on a combination of “alternative fuels” and good old fashioned muscle power.

I’ve determined that now that the gas price has surpassed the minimum wage, it’s cheaper for me to get the neighborhood kids to help push the truck around. (don’t worry, I let them ride on the downhill portions of the trip). I’ve also had to revert back to my high school days and my New Jersey fill’in station (8’fuel siphon tube)

Well, maybe it will take going to a few extremes, before we decide to dig in the Gulf or in ANWR (Arctic National Wildlife Refuge). The last thing I want to do is to piss off the environmentalist, and I’m only speaking for myself here, but I can get by with a few less Polar bears and Florida grouper, if it means me riding, rather than walking.(I’ll beep when I drive by the zoo)

Hey, I’m loosing speed here, what’s up…“Keep push’in kids, and put some back into it..we’re almost home”

P.I.B.

CAVEMAN

CAVEMEN
They say women are very complex creatures, and I’m sure that’s true. However, men on the other hand are transparently simple. I think, back in the day (caveman days), we both started out pretty much the same. Back then our brains were wired similarly with basic survival instincts. (food, sleep, re-create..hey..at least we are consistent). But that’s where the Jurassic Park similarity ends.
I choose to think that we (men, that is), are on the right path, we are just evolving more slowly. We tend to be more primal, where as women have moved on to higher cerebral functions,(like shopping, spoiling the cavekids, and Life Time movies ). Men are still mired in the basic.. need, want, hunt, take, mine, mentality. That’s probably why the Geico, caveman commercial resonates so well with us. (so easy..even a cavemen can do it). We tend to see things more black and white, while women see things in full color (depending on what mood they are in).
Sometimes I think women are also better at multi tasking, while we continue our myopic caveman like persistence… Need food…need food now….no bother me…need food. (football on T.V….no talk…me watch football)..Go figure..They say opposites attract, right…
I don’t know if you’ve seen the recent national geographic special where scientists uncovered two Neanderthals, both perfectly preserved, frozen in a block of ice. Well, after thousands of years frozen in the arctic, they thawed them out at the Smithsonian Institute in New York. Within 24 hours the female (after a good lip wax, back shave, and two episodes of “The View”), threw on a pair of heals and a handbag, and was out shopping on the town. Meanwhile the male of the species was still laying there huddled in a fetal position, grunting some unintelligible sounds, watching ice hockey and eating copious amounts of snacks (sound familiar..I guess some things never change).
I actually have high hopes for myself and fellow men. We have made great strides lately on the evolutionary ladder.(although still on a relatively low rung) We are painfully, but slowly learning to share, show our emotions, use napkins, and even ask for directions when we are lost. With a little bit of time and patience, I can actually foresee the day where we learn to listen, admit when we are wrong,(seldom as that may occur) , put down the toilet seat, and even help with the dishes. (just don’t rush us…..we are trying)
Personally, I am making great strides,(and helping to prove out Darwin’s theories) as I am now walking upright, and eating with a knife and fork, but admittedly I have room for further development. I still occasionally grunt out primal sounds and beat my chest however, now that I have this whole bipedal thing down, I’m ready to conquer the world.
With all that being said…Men are, and always will be, the king of the beasts, we are still the dominant sex, the boss, the head of the household, the……. “coming honey….sure I’ll take out the garbage, and no, you don’t look fat in that dress at all……”
P.I.B

PHONE TAG

PHONE TAG
Let me rant for a moment about people I don’t want to talk on the phone with: (gotta love caller I.D. and voice mail)

Actually there are a lot of people I don’t want to talk on the phone with, however there are that top 10% of callers that really make my blood pressure boil. If I had to categorize them in no particular order I would have to list: Stock brokers, fund raisers, bill collectors, charity organizations, appointment reminders from my dentist, people trying to sell me something at dinner time…followed by recorded sales pitches, serial wrong number freaks, managers who have their secretary get me on the line so I can wait for them to pick up, my 3 ex wives, and other people that won’t take no for an answer or who only want 10 minutes of my time to take some kind of poll.

A lot of these people are just naturally aggravating; however some go to great lengths and even significant training to be annoying. As a business owner I get deluged with junk calls all day long, despite the fact that I have trained my staff to carefully screen all of my calls.

My people will routinely ask for a name, company, purpose of the call, 3 forms of I.D., a blood and urine sample, and a DNA test. Yet, even with these precautions in place, I still find myself playing verbal ping pong with a few dozen phone whores a day.

Probably the best of these varmints is the stock broker. They have made a science out of phone harassment. These crafty pros will outwit and intimidate your call screeners by pretending that they are an old friend, lawyer, important customer, relative, doctor with important news, etc… “tell the big guy its Joe..and I’m about to get on a plane for Florida”. These guys are tough as nails, calling from their boiler rooms in New York. They are required to make hundreds of calls today and operate on the “talk until you get hung up on principle”. These “masters of rejection” will wade thru dozens of no’s in the hope of getting to one “yes” (kind’a reminds me of myself the month before Prom night) There is simply no polite way to decline their sales pitch.

There are however, a few opening sentences that will elicit an immediate hang up from me…if they start with:

“I’m not trying to sell you anything today”…..click/dial tone

“If what I’m saying doesn’t make sense you can hang up on me after one minute…” slam/dial tone

“This could be the most important phone call in your life”…click

For the most part I simply hang up after the first sentence or two, but in a strange kind of way, you almost have to admire some of the creative ways these phone freaks use to get your attention. If I’m in a playful mood, I will sometimes go along with them for a few minutes, and try to “one up them”.

“ P.I.B…how’s it going.., Joe Shmoe here from “Dewy, Cheat’em and Howe” in New York…how are you doing. Hey, remember we spoke a few months ago and you told me to get back to you, if a great deal came across my desk. Well, I got an inside tip that…..
My turn….. “Joe, baby, why didn’t you just tell my call screener it was you
They would have put the call right thru. As a matter of fact I’m checking my calendar right now, and I made a note that we talked..let me just click on this to refresh my memory…Oh yes, here it is…J/S called January 15th….told him to put me on his do not call list and shove his stock tips up his…..Hello…hello…

I think this whole phone solicitation thing is getting out of hand, especially now that many of the phone solicitors have farmed out there call centers to other countries, like Pakistan to save money. (hey Dell does it)..

“AY yes, many thanks…hello, tell P.I.B, this is his uncle Raji from Jersey…I’m about to get on a plane for Islamabad. I mean Boston…I have a hot tip for a curry stock that is about to go global… click….

Anyway, I guess the whole junk phone call, spam e-mail thing is just part of life in the good old U.S.A. Hey..every body’s got to make a living..right ?

By the way, if you disagree or have a comment give me a call…on second thought ..don’t….My call screener will not let you thru.

P.I.B

I HATE DIETS

I HATE DIETS

As of 6:46 pm today, I am officially off my diet. I hate diets, but I’ve proven to myself I can do it, I got the results and now I’m done with it. But let me start at the beginning.

BEFORE AFTER

I’m leaving the local grocery store with my shopping cart heaped with my favorite treats. Well, when I get into the lobby they have one of those over grown, “check you weight here” scales. So, I figure I’ll jump on that bad boy and just make sure I’m still walking around at my fighting weight.

I stepped on the scale and watch the needle rapidly sweep around the display like old #8 heading around the race track. After what seemed like two full revolutions the needle settled in at… (well, lets just say a significant number). I quickly jumped off the scale, and looked around like I just stole something. I was hoping there were no witnesses, however I had evidently amused a few old ladies waiting to get on next. For a moment I thought about an excuse, but I didn’t think they’ed buy the old, heavy shoes, or sand in my pocket story.

Anyway, I made up my mind right then and there that I was starting my diet, that moment. It was time to change my life, and now I was going to take the first step. Now, any one that knows me, can testify that I’m an easy going, and happy go lucky guy, but not since I’ve been on this diet. I’ve been a miserable son of a bitch. Little things, that I used to shrug off now bother me. Now I’m beginning to know what the bodybuilders go thru, I feel like I’m having roid rage.

I can honestly say that I have struggled with the discipline, self denial, bouts of depression, calorie counting, the exercise regimes, personal trainer, slim fast, in general, the inhumanity of it all. Yet, I had made a commitment, and I would stay the course. I’ll admit, Maybe… I cheated a few times to help get me thru, but who doesn’t. The important thing is that I got the results, as you can see by the “actual and un-retouched”, before and after photo’s above.

In the end I decided that my happiness, mental health, and love of pasta, far outweighed the purely physical benefits of being on any damn diet. People who love, me, will have to love me as I am. I’m evoking the whole.. “beauty is only skin deep” reasoning.

Now, that I’ve made the decision to “just enjoy life” again, I’m much happier. But I will look back with a certain degree of fondness, and respect, for what was… “the toughest 8 hours, in my life”

Until Later
A slimmer/trimmer P.I.B

ELECT ME..PLEASE

ELECT ME…PLEASE

Can a poor man ever be elected president in this country? I mean, if there was a potential candidate that was head and shoulders above the others aspiring for the office, would he have a chance. (my Mom, once told me I would)

I just read an article the other day that pointed out that the presidential hopefuls have already spent over $800 million, and the front runners will most likely spend over $500 million each, before they are done. (and that doesn’t even include the cost of re-doing the Florida and Michigan elections)

Maybe it’s just because I’m just a poor Italian boy, but that sounds like a whole lot of money, and it represents only the race for president. If you add In the cost of funding the election process for senators, congress people, governors, state and local officials and dog catchers…the cost exceeds the gross national product of several small countries.

With the entire U.S. population at 303,824,646 &1/2, (my niece is pregnant) that amounts to a healthy contribution by every man, women, and child in the U.S.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the election process. (and Wolf Blitzer, certainly needs the work) Anyway you cut it, the way we have devised to determine who sits in positions of power, is head and shoulders better than how most countries handle it..(I can’t tell you how much a coup or a revolution costs). I’m just saying, maybe we could look into a few ways to do it a little cheaper and perhaps not drag it out for months and years at a time. (maybe we could use all those hundreds of millions to feed and educate some of the electorate, so that some poor kid could grow up to be president one day) So, I took the initiative, and I had a couple of friends over for some beers, and we came up with a few ideas: using the A.I.L. method of reasoning… (or Alcohol Induced Logic)


Ok, here we go:

1> Both parties nominate a candidate and we make them spend a long weekend at camp David together,(separate rooms of course) after which, they decide who is the top banana for the first two years, and then it’s the other guys turn.


2> The M/W/F..method..that’s right….Monday, Wensday, Friday…..its kind of like being king for a day. And the guy with the worst popularity rating has to work weekends. Every third Friday…we let Dennis Kucinich sit in the Big chair for the day…(hey..it’s as close as he’ll ever get to it)

3> We set up 1 chair in the middle of the Oval office, and play “Hail to the Chief” ….when the music stops, the guy in the chair is the POTUS(president of the United States)

4> MMA method ( That’s Mixed martial arts)…you set up this caged ring, and let the two guys (or girls) go at it (mano e mano)…It’s my two men walk in..One man walks out theory….My money is on Hillary for this one… ( we could pay down the national debt, just on the revenue from the Ticketmaster sales)

5> Last but not least….we settle the whole thing on a two hour special of “The Celebrity Apprentice Show”….at the end of the night, the Donald, tells the looser…”Your Fired”. I’m not sure how constitutionally correct that would be, but I guarantee great ratings

Ok, so maybe you don’t like my alternative election rules…(even though I would save the country hundreds of millions) but stayed tuned, because at next week’s beer actuated “Think-Tank”..me and the boys will be pondering and solving other worldly issues such as the whole NAFDA controversy, and Bud..or Bud Lite..

Until latter
P.I.B. (for president)

THEATRE OF THE MIND

THEATRE OF THE MIND

My ears were still ringing from the echo of the gunshots as I pulled the door of the supply room closed behind me. As I sat there, frozen with fear in the darkness, I could hear angry voices, heavy footsteps, and the sound of spent brass from the bullets getting ever closer. My fear turned to panic, as I heard the sound of one door lock after another being tested in the hallway, each followed by a crash, as it was being kicked open.

I laid, for what seemed like an eternity, trembling behind a few empty boxes. Hoping that this nightmare would soon be over. I tried not to move, I felt helpless. For a moment, I was certain that the sound of my own breathing or heartbeat would give me away….
I tried to hold my breath as I sensed the door handle beginning to move. I fumbled in the darkness, looking for some type of weapon to protect myself. I could see the outline of the gunman’s boots, backlit by the hallway lights, under the door. I jumped as another shot rang out. I thought it was all over for me.
Seconds later my hands were wet with blood that was now flowing under the door. “Police ….everyone stay down.”

When I was a kid, I can still remember sitting in the car or around the radio listening to entertaining shows. They had some great actors, vivid sound effects, and we had to use a little imagination.
Your own vivid imagination, would build the scene, and fill in the details. Perhaps no two people would envision it exactly the same way. The mental pictures that were painted were referred to as “theatre of the mind”.
Today…I wonder if most people’s theatre’s are working. You know what I mean..No one on the projection booth. I’m not even sure a lot of folks are having a matinee. No one wants to take the time to read or use their imagination anymore. We are used to having everything laid out for us in half hour sitcoms, they even tell us when to laugh by playing their “canned” laughter.
So, I’ve decided that instead of writing this blog, I’m going to film myself reading my material on video. I’m thinking, I sit in a big leather chair, smoking a pipe, and look smug. I also ordered some of those pink silk jammies, and a smoking jacket (like Hugh Heffner wears). I want to make sure my audience is fully engaged and entertained so I will place a news “crawl” at the bottom of the screen, and show distracting videos on a screen right behind me. I’ll even play commercials so that no one has to push their attention span past the 15 minute time limit.
Well, so much for “theatre of the mind”…I’m heading to the concession stand (I mean kitchen), for some popcorn.
Until later
P.I.B.

COURTROOM

COURTROOM

So anyway, last month I have to go to court as witness in some kind of domestic action, for an employee that once worked for me. Of course, I tried to get out of it because next to a hospital, a morgue, or a proctologist office, ..court is the last place I want to be. The fact that I knew nothing about the case, and wouldn’t recognize the guy, if he ran me over with a truck, did not come into play…”five minutes” the attorney told me…”I’ll have you in and out”.

The notice I received said “appear( I like how they use the word appear ..like a magic act, kind of thing) in courtroom “b” at exactly 10am (or suffer some type of unpleasant consequence ..I don’t know.. I stopped reading the letter at that point).

Well, being the model citizen that I am ( and anxious to collect the $6.95 witness fee)..I show up as ordered…After double checking myself in the parking lot to make sure I was weapon free, I entered the courthouse. I then went thru the first of a series of three security checkpoints, pat downs, metal detectors and a cavity search. Maybe I should not have made that.. “can you fix a few parking tickets for me” comment to those deputy guys.

Now it’s 9:59 and I’m sitting in the hallway looking at my watch, then the summons, then my watch…hmmm….I’m not getting the book thrown at me for being late (I’m never even late for dinner)..So with only seconds to spare, I kick open the courtroom door and walk in.

Evidently the defense attorney was just about to make a dramatic point and my unwelcome entrance kind of ruined the moment. The whole courtroom fell silent and everyone went into that kind of slow motion that you see in the movies (except for that sheriff guy, coming at me real fast with his drawn tazer.)

I don’t think I was ever so happy to see a lawyer as when the attorney that summonsed me, kind’a took one for the team (yoww..that had’a hurt). Man, she can guard the president with a move like that.( I think that’s going to leave a bruise) Anyway, after her short epileptic spasm display on the floor, she quickly had me sworn in and seated in the witness box.

I sat there for what seemed like an eternity, while she presented evidence, showed charts and graphs, and occasionally pointed to me for an affirming: yes/no/ I don’t re-call. In a vein attempt at courtroom humor I may have even mention that: I refuse to answer on the grounds it might intimidate me…I mean incriminate me…both..(didn’t go over well with the judge)

Within a few minutes my eyes glazed over and quite honestly ..I may have dozed off there for a short spell…because the next thing I know…I was dreaming that I was the prosecutor..

“Mr Simpsony…are you asking the court to believe that you were not at the site of the murder…despite the physical evidence. We have witness testimony, DNA evidence, a bloody glove, your wallet, 3 forms of I.D., an 8x10 glossy signed by you, your birth certificate with raise seal, your lipstick found on your pool boy, and you gave your autograph to two people passing by. Is it not also true……

Just then I was shocked back to reality by the repeated sound of the judges gavel… “dismissed” she said “and stay out of my courtroom…..”

Don’t blame me..I told you I was no good in court..and by the way, where can I apply for the witness protection program.

Until Latter
Councilor P.I.B.

TAKE A PILL

TAKE A PILL

Modern medicine (and greedy pharmaceutical companies) have a pill for whatever ails you. Wanna get some sleep…they got a pill. How about stay awake for 18 hours while driving your 18 wheeler..you guessed it, they have a pill. The sales and profits in that industry are phenomenal.

I don’t want to tell you that I’m some sort of scientist, or chemist (as a matter of fact, I think I got thrown out of those classes), but I’d like to try my hand at this whole pill making deal.

So…I’m at the Wal-Mart the other day, and I spot this neat chemistry set. I’m talk’in, this baby was the Mac-daddy $89.95 top of the line gimmick. I found myself transfixed right there in the middle of the isle. I just kind of stared at the box for a while, in sort of a hypnotic state… “wow…over 40 bottles of chemical, hundreds of experiments, complete guide to chemistry, the little glass test tubes and all.

(dream sequence..dream sequence) I’m home in my lab (ok garage) with my white lab coat on (or was that a straight jacket), hair askew like the guy from Back to the Future..test tubes and flasks, burners, racks, litmus paper (not really sure what that stuff is for) and the obligatory instant coffee boiling in a beaker (just like the real guys do on C.S.I.)…My lab assistant in her short white lab coat..(ok..wrong dream)

“Ouch” …there is nothing like another angry wall mart shopper, hitting you in the ass, with his limo-like shopping cart, to snap you out of a dream sequence…

Any way…I bring home that chemistry set and rip the wrapper off like a kid on Christmas morning…I begin with one of those maddening diabolical laughs (like they do in the movies), and go directly to my pill making experiments…(meanwhile my neighbor are calling the D.E.A…to report a suspected meth lab…

I mix about 20 of the random chemicals together and quickly drink it down…ahh..maybe that wasn’t the greatest idea..(note to self: run a classified ad for test subject..I’m mean clinical trail volunteer)

Ok..re-group for a minute here…what kind of pill’s do people need that would sell for millions out in the real world. Check that, what type of non-narcotic pills does the market need.

For starters...I’m thinking: instant weight loss, hangover relief, urine drug testing cleanser, lip sweller, body hair remover, tattoo fader, breast enhancer, or smart pill. My research also suggests a viable market for relief from: snoring, flatulence, overeating, and maybe something to spice up my lab assistant.

Anyway, after a few days, the big fire, and a late night ambulance ride down to the poison control center, I decided that maybe this whole chemistry thing, may not be my cup of tea..I just don’t have the attention span for it…

Hey.. I wonder if there is a pill for that..

Until Latter
Dr. P.I.B.

GREATEST INVENTIONS

GREATEST INVENTIONS

It’s man’s very nature to solve problems ( our other nature is to create new ones). Need and necessity, fuel innovation and invention. In fact they say that necessity is the mother of invention.(would that make complacency the illegitimate father) Our curious nature and insatiable appetite, to make things more powerful and useful, fuels our imagination and creative energies.

Man has progressed and built on inventions and discoveries since the earliest times. As the years have gone by, the pace and complexity of our inventions has multiplied geometrically, based on our ever expanding knowledge base.
We have made huge strides in computers, medicine, pharmaceuticals,(ohh yes..pharmaceuticals), political graft, space exploration, and aircraft. In the space of a century or so:

We have gone from the stone wheel, to the Lexus
We have gone from the flint lock rifle to the Atomic bomb
We have gone from the Wright brothers to the space shuttle
We have gone from the old dentist drill to….(ok..got me on that one)

As we made huge advances in our core needs including: food production, housing, John Madden football, medicine, transportation, and manufacturing. Great minds were then able to concentrate some of our energies on increasing our comfort and entertainment. This is the area where I think we have made some of the boldest, necessary, and life enhancing advances in history.

In fact, I often find myself wondering how past generations suffered along without today’s technologies like:

The T.V. Remote Control, infrared remote control, or “the flipper”, as it is affectionately known.
A true noble prize winner…I can’t believe that our ancestors had to get up off the couch to change the channel. Now this amazing technology is available to turn on your ceiling fan and change stations on your car radio (heck you’d have to move your arm without it)

The Cell Phone: Now I can be haunted 24/7 by my work, kids, and even annoying sales calls. As much as I can’t live without the incessant ringing (actually mine plays the Rocky theme song), I can’t imagine going thru life without the other features like: tip calculator, fish finder, sports scores, streaming video, internet access, alarm clock, camera, gps, and heart beat monitor.

THE INTERNET: Probably one of the most powerful tools on the planet both for education. commerce, entertainment, and communication (e-mail and now, voice over internet protocol) is the advent of the internet. I can pay my bills, transmit large files, check the weather radar or movie schedule, buy and sell stock, check my bank balance, and do research. Think about how great Einstein would have been with the use of e-bay, you-tube, and my space…

The sky is the limit. What man can imagine, he can create (on second thought, that might be a scary thing). I expect new discoveries and inventions to materialize at an ever increasing rate. At this pace, I have every confidence that in the next 10 years, we will find a cure for cancer, travel to Saturn, and with any luck at all…find my other black sock..

Until Latter
Professor P.I.B.

POLLS

POLLS

Every 4 years we have a presidential campaign in this country.(so that we can spread the blame) And since it happens just like clock work, it seems the potential candidates try to get an earlier start on the old campaign trail each time around.(just like Christmas shopping in October).

Personally I think they tend to overdo it a little, but the 24 hour cable news networks couldn’t be happier. It seems like every night for 2 years the news shows talk about each candidates approval rating and elect ability. They substantiate these predictions by the use of polls. They hire pollsters,( I wonder how you get to be a pollster….and would that make me grillster, or a jokester) who query a random sample of voters and then extrapolate what % of the general public, interest group, or even the entire nation would hold similar views. Sometimes these mathematical assumptions are based on input from a very limited test group, and many times the questions are framed or asked in a manner that elicit a certain response.

There are phone polls, internet polls, brass poles, exit polls, straw polls, and fishing poles. I’m not taking anything away from the pollsters but sometimes these nightly results seem a little self serving. I also question their choice of target groups. For instance yesterday they were trying to prove that Hillary’s “likeabilty” rating was moving up. At the bottom of the TV screen they flashed. “this phone survey conducted on 50 democratic overweight overbearing women, that wear pantsuits and are married to philandering men, and sure enough 7 out of 10, loved Hillary.

I’m thinking, if this logic works for the pollsters, than I should be able to use the same system in my own dealings, or to prove my own theories. For instance just last night in the bar, I polled 5 highly inebriated women drinkers.(ok …forget about that one)

I also sent out what I can only refer to as a mailbox opinion poll to every neighbor within one mile of my house.(wearing a ski mask and under the cover of darkness) The question was “ would you prefer casino style gambling (only 2 nights a week, and tastefully done.. valet parking and all) at that Italian guys house down the street…. or an annex and summer home for San Quinton State prison. Out of the few responses I got (not counting all the hate mail, death threats, and 4 flat tires)…the likely enemies, all went with the write in answer… “go blank yourself”, or ..I’m calling the police again…Should I take that as a Yes..( I think the results fall with the margin of error)

Ok..so I guess I don’t quite have the patience and finesse to be a pollster. I more lean toward the “its better to ask for forgiveness than beg for approval” school of thought anyway. I can’t even get a consensus at work or around the dinner table, never mind trying to figure out what the whole nations wants to do.

Maybe one last attempt at a poll…For those of you that really liked this blog, please e-mail me…and for those that didn’t…your opinion is equally important, so tell me what you think at my other web site www.mindyourownblank’inbusiness.com

Until Latter
P.I.B.

VEGAS- BABY

WHAT HAPPENS HERE-STAYS HERE

Las Vegas, sin city, lost wages, the entertainment capital of the world. I love Vegas, in fact I have a second home out there. There is something in Las Vegas that appeals to almost everyone. Millions of visitors a year are attracted by the glittering lights and that few mile stretch, know as the strip. Within that narrow corridor you can find some of the best hotels, restaurants, casino, and night spots in the world. Not to mention the gambling, ah yes the gambling.

Years ago, the big L.V. was nothing more than a oasis and mountain valley, in the middle of a desert (hence the origin of its name..”the meadows”). Make no mistake about it, this town was built on gambling(and other vises) . Nevada was the first state to legalize casino-style gambling It seems a few of my fellow country men migrated there in search of a place to invest some money (some say, ill gotten gains), and sort of get off the radar screen.

Any way the gaming business quickly took root out there, and a new industry was born. Cards, Keno, roulette, and the notorious “one arm bandits” (as opposed to the two arm bandits, and taxi drivers) People flocked in from all over the country and the world to enjoy the stunning desert scenery, and center of cultural (not). Along with the gaming came themed hotels, restaurants, clubs, money laundering, big production shows, bad Elvis impersonators, hundred dollar chips, golf, broken arms, and other grey area forms of entertainment.

Las Vegas flourished as the rich and famous made the valley, their home away from home.(and the gamblers made the park benches their homes) The brilliant casino operators came up with innovative ideas to attract even more visitors from every state and income group in the country. Soon, you could get everything from a quickie marriage or divorce to a $1.99 prime rib dinner. (and about everything in between).

Hotels popped up like the Stardust, Last Frontier, Thunderbird ,Tropicana, El Rancho Vegas Hotel-Casino, the Flamingo, and Desert Inn.( these early pioneers latter gave way to the new themed :mega-resorts”). Along with the resorts came a parade of celebrities, and assorted shady characters, whom either frequented or made L.V. their home. Stars and performers from singers to circus acts found the lucrative and opulent showrooms, and huge paydays difficult to resist. Big names of the times like Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., and the incomparable Joey Bishop, performed there, 2 shows a night and 6 days a week. They were followed by the likes of Wayne Newton, Siegfried and Roy, and the king of one- liners Henny Youngman.

But the real secret, the money maker, is the gambling, where the house can dial in the odds to within half a point. And for every winner, there are hundreds of losers. But in the end it really doesn’t matter, because most people don’t even go there expecting to win. Its all about the thrill and exhilaration you get while you’re losing it. Face it, those huge hotels and casinos were not built by putting people back on the planes with a wallet full of money.
Where else can you go where people will willingly leave behind every dollar they have and go home feeling good about the experience. By the way, can you spare a dollar for a cup of coffee. Viva Las Vegas…

Until Latter
P.I.B.

OIL-THAT IS

OIL- THAT IS
Oil prices have fallen lately. We include this news for the benefit of gas stations, which otherwise wouldn't learn of it for six months. Bill Tammeus, in Toronto's National Newspaper, 1991
I’M TIRED OF HAVING TO BOW DOWN TO OIL PRODUCING NATIONS FOR OUR ENERGY NEEDS. IT’S TIME WE DECLARED OUR INDEPENCE FROM OIL AND FOSSIL FUELS.(shove it Shavez) Let’s face it, we’ve been hooked too long and now it’s hard to change because our whole economy is based on the internal combustion engine, fueled by old dead plants and dinosaurs.
The biggest reason we have not come up with a suitable alternative is two fold. A new energy source is useless without the distribution system and vehicles designed to use it.( I can’t drive to Iowa every time I need to refuel my corn oil burning ford fiesta.) Also, it’s been contrary to the massive capital investment by car makers and oil companies, in the gasoline and diesel burning internal combustion engine.
Up to now it has not been in their best interest to change. But now, I think even these behemoths see the need and opportunity to change. I applaud the research work being done on battery power, hydrogen, and even agricultural fuels. As far as I’m concerned enough progress is not being made, so I have decided to throw my considerable efforts into the game.
Not only am I going to do the nation a favor, but I plan to get rich in the process. I’m working on several prototypes of my new engine. The key is to build the engine around alternate, renewable, and plentiful fuel supplies. Gone will be the days where we have to drill thousands of feet into the earth or sea for oil exploration. Gone will be the need to disturb sensitive environmental areas.(and protected spotted owls) We will finally be able to tell those oil producing countries, where to ship their oil.
My first design works best in Italian sports cars. It still relies on a form of oil, however instead of regular and high test, it’s regular or extra virgin. That’s right “olive oil”. Not only is this en environmentally friendly alternative, it’s also great on salad or bread. If you can’t find a fuel station just pull into a grocery store
I’ve personally spent a great deal of research time on this next concept. I wanted a fuel source that was made right here in the good old U.S.A….Tennessee in fact. It may cost a few dollars more a barrel, but I’m all about saving the environment.(This should make the tree huggers happy) I’ve got this down to a science, you can darn near drink the stuff.(Oh..The sacrifices I make for science). The muscle car guys will be happy too. My test car broke new speed records in the quarter mile. You guessed it “OLD #7, Jack Daniels. It’s a little flammable but I fix that by cutting it with a little Coke. I feel good about this emerging technology, however since my D.U.I, I have my legal department checking to see if I will be in violation of any open bottle laws, by driving around with this fuel.
Lastly, I’m working on a nuclear driven car engine. Imagine..I install a small nuclear fuel source the size of a marble and you car runs for 25 years. You can pass by a lot of gas stations in 25 years. (but what if I have to use the rest room). No one wants to donate me any nuclear fuel (although the Iranians insist they will have plenty available soon) and the North Koreans who don’t really have it (wink, wink), have offered me a real bargin This concept can easily go global. If things continue as they are now, I’m sure you will be able to “fill up”..in any third world country soon.
I have to admit that this last design has been the most difficult for me, and I find myself drifting back to testing old concept #7 ( I mean #2).
Until Latter
P.I.B.

LOOSE 10 POUNDS FAST

LOOSE 10 POUNDS FAST

American’s are consumed with how much we weigh. On one hand we eat too much fast food and pre-processed junk foods, and on the other, we sign gym memberships by the thousands. We will drink beer by the keg, but still want a six-pack. Recent research also hints that my beloved Italian food may be rich in calories and fat. (They can’t mean my cannolis and tiramisu can they)

It often takes months and years to put weight on, but when we want to shed those same pounds the American consumer wants results..Now. At that point we are ready to listen to the advice of any author, self proclaimed expert or midnight info-mercial.

In fact, weight loss alternatives are big business. Millions are spent each year, in search of the easy weight loss solutions. The easier and quicker the product promises results the better seller it is.

There are pills, supplements, shakes, surgeries, treadmills and exercise programs and machines. There are books, tapes, videos and seminars, all geared toward rapid weight loss. In fact the market is so lucrative, and the clientele so gullible that I’ve decided to test market a few of my own weight loss ideas. In fact I have applied for patents for the following products.

5 Xl Fashions: Our designers have specially tapered these garments to soften the contour of our figure conscious customers. We use only the finest recycled circus tent materials.

Pro-Mex Meal: A proprietary blend of protein powder and Mexican food. The whey protein provides nutrition, and the extra spicy Mexican food insures that 98.5% of the product moves thru you in 2 hours or less.

New “Sponge-Caps”: Hundreds of tiny microscopic sponges, in a gel time released caplet. Take 2 of these every three hours with plenty of water, and your hunger pains will disappear.

New “Sand-Caps”.: Same concept at above, except each water soluble gel cap-let contains 24 grains of sterilized beach sand. These easy to swallow capsules satisfy your hunger and genteelly clean out your intestinal tract.

Eat-No-More brand tape. Specially coated flesh colored adhesive duct tape. Simply, cover the mouth completely and over eating is stopped at the source. Our scientist have artistically added a painted smile to the outside of the tape, so that even your closest friends won’t know your wearing our product.

Wire-Em-Shut: For those of you that need more protection than the eat-no-more tape. We offer our special surgical stainless jaw wire. Let’s see ya overeat thru this baby.


And last but not least. Our newest product: The Velcro Stomach Tourniquet. Just cinch this baby around your gut and tighten with the optional “jaws of life attachment” and your eating worries are over.

I’m currently filming the infomercial and trying to recruit Billy Mays as a spokesman for the company.

Until Latter
P.I.B.