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COURTROOM
So anyway, last month I have to go to court as witness in some kind of domestic action, for an employee that once worked for me. Of course, I tried to get out of it because next to a hospital, a morgue, or a proctologist office, ..court is the last place I want to be. The fact that I knew nothing about the case, and wouldn’t recognize the guy, if he ran me over with a truck, did not come into play…”five minutes” the attorney told me…”I’ll have you in and out”.
The notice I received said “appear( I like how they use the word appear ..like a magic act, kind of thing) in courtroom “b” at exactly 10am (or suffer some type of unpleasant consequence ..I don’t know.. I stopped reading the letter at that point).
Well, being the model citizen that I am ( and anxious to collect the $6.95 witness fee)..I show up as ordered…After double checking myself in the parking lot to make sure I was weapon free, I entered the courthouse. I then went thru the first of a series of three security checkpoints, pat downs, metal detectors and a cavity search. Maybe I should not have made that.. “can you fix a few parking tickets for me” comment to those deputy guys.
Now it’s 9:59 and I’m sitting in the hallway looking at my watch, then the summons, then my watch…hmmm….I’m not getting the book thrown at me for being late (I’m never even late for dinner)..So with only seconds to spare, I kick open the courtroom door and walk in.
Evidently the defense attorney was just about to make a dramatic point and my unwelcome entrance kind of ruined the moment. The whole courtroom fell silent and everyone went into that kind of slow motion that you see in the movies (except for that sheriff guy, coming at me real fast with his drawn tazer.)
I don’t think I was ever so happy to see a lawyer as when the attorney that summonsed me, kind’a took one for the team (yoww..that had’a hurt). Man, she can guard the president with a move like that.( I think that’s going to leave a bruise) Anyway, after her short epileptic spasm display on the floor, she quickly had me sworn in and seated in the witness box.
I sat there for what seemed like an eternity, while she presented evidence, showed charts and graphs, and occasionally pointed to me for an affirming: yes/no/ I don’t re-call. In a vein attempt at courtroom humor I may have even mention that: I refuse to answer on the grounds it might intimidate me…I mean incriminate me…both..(didn’t go over well with the judge)
Within a few minutes my eyes glazed over and quite honestly ..I may have dozed off there for a short spell…because the next thing I know…I was dreaming that I was the prosecutor..
“Mr Simpsony…are you asking the court to believe that you were not at the site of the murder…despite the physical evidence. We have witness testimony, DNA evidence, a bloody glove, your wallet, 3 forms of I.D., an 8x10 glossy signed by you, your birth certificate with raise seal, your lipstick found on your pool boy, and you gave your autograph to two people passing by. Is it not also true……
Just then I was shocked back to reality by the repeated sound of the judges gavel… “dismissed” she said “and stay out of my courtroom…..”
Don’t blame me..I told you I was no good in court..and by the way, where can I apply for the witness protection program.
Until Latter
Councilor P.I.B.
So anyway, last month I have to go to court as witness in some kind of domestic action, for an employee that once worked for me. Of course, I tried to get out of it because next to a hospital, a morgue, or a proctologist office, ..court is the last place I want to be. The fact that I knew nothing about the case, and wouldn’t recognize the guy, if he ran me over with a truck, did not come into play…”five minutes” the attorney told me…”I’ll have you in and out”.
The notice I received said “appear( I like how they use the word appear ..like a magic act, kind of thing) in courtroom “b” at exactly 10am (or suffer some type of unpleasant consequence ..I don’t know.. I stopped reading the letter at that point).
Well, being the model citizen that I am ( and anxious to collect the $6.95 witness fee)..I show up as ordered…After double checking myself in the parking lot to make sure I was weapon free, I entered the courthouse. I then went thru the first of a series of three security checkpoints, pat downs, metal detectors and a cavity search. Maybe I should not have made that.. “can you fix a few parking tickets for me” comment to those deputy guys.
Now it’s 9:59 and I’m sitting in the hallway looking at my watch, then the summons, then my watch…hmmm….I’m not getting the book thrown at me for being late (I’m never even late for dinner)..So with only seconds to spare, I kick open the courtroom door and walk in.
Evidently the defense attorney was just about to make a dramatic point and my unwelcome entrance kind of ruined the moment. The whole courtroom fell silent and everyone went into that kind of slow motion that you see in the movies (except for that sheriff guy, coming at me real fast with his drawn tazer.)
I don’t think I was ever so happy to see a lawyer as when the attorney that summonsed me, kind’a took one for the team (yoww..that had’a hurt). Man, she can guard the president with a move like that.( I think that’s going to leave a bruise) Anyway, after her short epileptic spasm display on the floor, she quickly had me sworn in and seated in the witness box.
I sat there for what seemed like an eternity, while she presented evidence, showed charts and graphs, and occasionally pointed to me for an affirming: yes/no/ I don’t re-call. In a vein attempt at courtroom humor I may have even mention that: I refuse to answer on the grounds it might intimidate me…I mean incriminate me…both..(didn’t go over well with the judge)
Within a few minutes my eyes glazed over and quite honestly ..I may have dozed off there for a short spell…because the next thing I know…I was dreaming that I was the prosecutor..
“Mr Simpsony…are you asking the court to believe that you were not at the site of the murder…despite the physical evidence. We have witness testimony, DNA evidence, a bloody glove, your wallet, 3 forms of I.D., an 8x10 glossy signed by you, your birth certificate with raise seal, your lipstick found on your pool boy, and you gave your autograph to two people passing by. Is it not also true……
Just then I was shocked back to reality by the repeated sound of the judges gavel… “dismissed” she said “and stay out of my courtroom…..”
Don’t blame me..I told you I was no good in court..and by the way, where can I apply for the witness protection program.
Until Latter
Councilor P.I.B.
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