MILLIONAIRE

THE MILLIONAIRE

When I was a kid there was a Television show called “The Millionaire”. The premise of the show was that a very wealthy benefactor would give away a million dollars to a perfect stranger with the provision that the recipient never divulged the source of the money.

Although I’m not in a position to give perfect strangers such a large sum of money, I thought it would be cool if I could do the same sort of thing, just on a smaller basis. (Ok… A much smaller basis) I figured I might as well get a jump on this whole “Redistribution of Wealth” concept that the government seems so bent on. (don’t that call that Socialism ?).

Well, in keeping with the whole “take from the rich and give to the poor concept”, I formulated a plan of action. I mean, why wait until the government taxes me; puts a cap on my wages, or just plain confiscates my savings (now that they own the banks and all). I might as well get some joy and personal satisfaction out of giving away my own hard earned money.

It turns out, I had to scale down the whole program to a certain degree. In the original show, the rich guy hired representatives to do his good bidding for him. Since I found myself on a much tighter budget, I decided to do the actual awarding of funds on my own.

Well, it seems people are not quite as trusting as they once were. In fact, the first few people I tried to befriend, with cash in hand, slowly backed away from me while threatening to call the cops. After that experience I decided to take things a little slower and offer a little more in the way of explanation before I got to the “show me the money” part of the script.

Well it turns out this whole, let me help my neighbor succeed concept, is not as easy as one might assume. Over the course of the next few attempts I was threatened, robbed, beaten, and reported to the local authorities as some kind of nut case. Maybe this is why the original Mark Antony guy used proxies in neat black suits (they must have been more socially believable than me in my jeans and wife beater T-shirt.)

Not to be a quitter, I decided that I had better refine my approach, and perhaps do a little more research on my selected recipients before waltzing in with the cashola. Perhaps some of the people I selected, just didn’t need the money, were too proud, or maybe they just didn’t believe in charity. After careful study I decided to select a guy that seemed rather down on his luck, that I ascertained by virtue of the “will work for food” sign he was holding at the side of the highway.

I approached the fella with outstretched arms and told him that good fortune was smiling down on him today. I thought I would be brief and get the business disclaimer part of my offer out of the way, and began explaining the part about how he could never disclose the source of his good fortune only to find him fast asleep before he could acknowledge his part of the deal. In disgust, I left him 20 dollars in his make shift collection plate and moved on with a renewed sense of purpose. (I had determined that I would not be denied my ‘warm and fuzzy feeling” of giving away my money)




Tired but undaunted I spent the next day devising a sure fire plan to give away some money to those in need, thereby fulfilling my social, patriotic, and philanthropic instincts. A quick trip to the bank in the morning served the purpose of turning in all my cash and withdrawing the same amount of funds in a great number of certified bank checks.

I now set about my day randomly selecting worthy looking recipients and with very little fanfare I handed each of them one of the bank checks. I handed out checks to people in front of the hospital (my answer to Universal health care), I handed out checks to students gathered in front of the local college ( leave no student behind), and I handed out checks at the old folks home (my answer to social security) The plan worked perfectly because each one of them (both rich and poor) to a man simply looked down at the check then smiled as they put the check in their pocket, wallet, or purse.

With a great deal of satisfaction I finished the day after having exhausted my supply of checks and money. I was now broke and in fact quite destitute but rewarded by the fact that I had so diligently and completely accomplished my quest. I was feeling quite noble, but in a more pensive moment, I had cause to question my own actions. Did I actually help the economy, or did I just give money to strangers, that I may have personally spent to better purpose. (perhaps creating long lasting jobs)

You also might ask, how I so totally overcame the natural resistance of most Americans to put aside their pride and take handout money from a perfect stranger…..Actually it was quite simple. (I just borrowed a lesson from the Federal Government) I simply added one line of explanation to the bottom of each check…..

“Stimulus Check”

Please feel free to contact me at: pooritalianboy@gmail.com

P.I.B.

GOVERNMENT CHEESE

GOVERNMENT CHEESE
What If…………

What a great day. Today I have been granted an opportunity to submit my automotive ownership application. I have managed to save enough money for the application fee and have submitted all my paperwork in triplicate (as required by law). I think I did a good job laying out the evidence as to why I need a car. Don’t get me wrong, I’m feeling a little bit guilty. I totally agree with the concept of public transportation for all, its much better for the environment. But, as a member of the ruling party, I have earned some preferential treatment.

Now, it is just a matter of waiting the required time for the application to be reviewed. In just six or eight weeks I should receive my letter from the Division of Motor vehicles. If they accept my application I will be entered into the state lottery and have a chance at being able to purchase my first car. In fact, if I place high enough in the lottery, I could have a car shipped before the end of the year. Now that all of our cars come from China I’ll have to wait a little extra for the container to come in. Of course, car buying certificates are awarded to party members and according to need first.

My timing couldn’t be better because I read online that for the first time since the government took over the production of automobiles after the depression; the new model cars would be available in one extra color in addition to the standard issue black or white.

Now that I’ve been admitted into the state funded college program, I can use the car to get back and forth. I really don’t like the idea of going to college, but now that’s its mandatory and free, I might as well milk it for everything its worth. Under the government’s new “No Adult Left Behind program”, I get a 100% free ride for the next 4 years. The taxpayers pick up the tab for my college education, housing, and expenses.(and partying) I’d be a fool not to take that free ride. Hey..it sure beats having to work for a living like my old man had to do all his life.

My dad lost his job during the recession. He worked for one of the large banks that went under because of a bad real estate portfolio. Well, after the government nationalized the banking system they offered him some bail out money and of course he bailed out. Now the old man just waits by the mail box around the first of every month and he gets his government stimulus check. I’m not really sure what they are stimulating, but heck, its free money.

My dad used to make a lot of money with the bank, but we have learned to live on a lot less. It initially took my parents some time to fully understand and appreciate the new system. They weren’t used to having their efforts and wealth “re-distributed”, but I think this Socialism stuff really makes sense. This way everyone has access to the same education, health care, and social services. It does away with the upper class and the lower class and everyone joins the middle class.

It’s really not that hard once you understand all the government programs that are offered. We applied to the fair housing administration and now have our mortgage paid in full each month. Also, as a non working family of 4 we are entitled to food stamps to make sure we get proper nutrition. Ever since the president signed a bill that allowed congress to regulate and oversee all banking transactions, they are in a position to better determine the needs of their citizens. Let’s say a doctor refuses to treat his pre-determined share of non-paying patients, well then the government can simply put a freeze on his bank account until he “sees the light”. I mean, how else could we provide free universal health care? So what if we have to wait months or years for a much needed procedure or surgery. Did I mention its free? Everyone has to make some sacrifices you know,

It’s hard not to be excited, especially since the government recently issued my family a passport to be able to move from Michigan to Florida. I’m very grateful to live in such a great country. With the proper paperwork in place I can travel freely between states, as long as I check in with the state border patrol and the local authorities, so that they will know my whereabouts. (I’d tell them were I was anyway because how else would they know where to send my welfare check every month)

I read in the paper today that authorities expect the crime rate to go down in a few more years, since we banned the private ownership of firearms. The crime rate has actually gone up quite a bit in my state but that’s only because the criminal elements just won’t obey the new firearms laws. I’m sure now that the new national police force that now reports directly to the president is in place, law and order will soon prevail.

I think our country is really evolving into a much better place, especially since the government silenced all those outspoken and discontent members of the opposite party and all those conservative radio talk show hosts. There really is no reason for me to be an informed citizen any longer, with one political party, no one really needs to vote any more. I’ve always been too busy to get involved with politics anyway. So for me, I’m going to just keep eating that government cheese. After all…they really do know what’s best for us.

Please feel free to contact me at: pooritalianboy@gmail.com

P.I.B.